No, Higgs Boson is Not the Firm that Specializes in Diet Pill Lawsuits

Researchers at a U.S. physics lab have made an important step toward isolating the mysterious and all powerful Higgs boson particle, a particle thought to be so powerful that even Chuck Norris fears it:

The world’s best measurement of the mass of the so-called W boson was made by scientists working at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Batavia, Ill., a Fermilab release reported Friday.

The new measurement is an important step to discovering the mass of the theorized Higgs boson, the last undiscovered component of the Standard Model of physics thought to give all other particles their masses.

Well, powerful in the sense that it provides a powerful explanation of the underlying causes in theoretical physics. But I bet Norris would still be wary.

Apparently, researchers typically try to either produce the boson particles or attempt to measure other particles thought to be influenced by them; this particular attempt was a measurement trial, and it yielded excellent results:

“This measurement illustrates the great contributions that the Tevatron has made and continues to make with further analysis of its accumulated data,” Fermilab Director Pier Oddone said. “The precision of the measurement is unprecedented and allows rigorous tests of our underlying theory of how the universe works.”

Reportedly, the Devil is very happy; after all, he invented science to lead men astray from God’s truth:

“And demons shall be loosed upon the Earth and they shall consume the flesh of waterfowl paired with a savory vintage; then, with a furious surge, the demons shall construct a model of knowledge that allows for significant explanatory power in the face of questions regarding the natural world. And that knowledge will be called ‘Science,’ and it shall be evil. For men were not meant to know of the world around them; nay, they were meant to have other men read some poorly translated ancient texts and hand down platitudes from on high. Question not, men, for down that path lies only philosophers and devils.”

–Asininus, 28:12-16

I Say, Does that Cloak Come in Steampunk?

According to the Institute of Physics, scientists have for the first time “cloaked a three-dimensional object standing in free space:”

“Whilst previous studies have either been theoretical in nature or limited to the cloaking of two-dimensional objects, this study shows how ordinary objects can be cloaked in their natural environment in all directions and from all of an observer’s positions.

 

Published today, 26 January, in the Institute of Physics and German Physical Society’s New Journal of Physics, the researchers used a method known as “plasmonic cloaking” to hide an 18-centimetre cylindrical tube from microwaves.”

After this, the next logical step can only come from the delightful defier of linear fashion, J. Peterman: introducing the Victorian Invisibility Cloak:

Weekends in the country with friends and wine; a cabin by the lake. Gatsby didn’t have it this good, you think to yourself, and rightly so. But what’s this?  The Yalies have invaded the adjacent camp!  Their shenanigans shall not stand.

 

And now there’s a way to bane those bantering Bulldogs without being seen: The Victorian Invisibility Cloak. Simply don the cloak and doff your cap to plasmonic metamaterials (Old Doc Witherspoon would be proud). With authentic ivory buttons and the finest brocade available (this side of free space, or even Milan) you’ll look stylish as you raid the camp of those earsplitting Elihus. Not that they’ll notice!  But when was the last time a Yalie appreciated fashion, anyhow?

 

The Victorian Invisibility Cloak, one size (men and women). $1,499

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