Mothers: Don’t Let Your Children Grow Up to Be Cowboys

Because as cowboys, they’ll be part of the “Farmers, Ranchers, and other Agricultural Managers” job category slated to lose over 90,000 jobs by 2020.

In a report released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics detailing the various occupational growths and declines, the above category topped the list; trailing behind was anyone involved with the postal service, sewing machine operators, switchboard operators, and fast food cooks, among others. The Huffington Post has a gallery, complete with oddly depressing photos, here.

But don’t be depressed just because you’re attending one of the nation’s few agricultural schools, or because you just got your home certification in sewing machine operation! Wait, no, you should be depressed. Because you made a huge mistake!

But that mistake can be remedied, if you switch your career to one with higher projected growth! What does it matter that you have no skills, a terrible personality, or an unsettling ability to input data on a Sharp EL1801V Portable 12-Digit Calculator?

Here are your top five alternatives:

1. Personal care aides

Change an old guy’s diaper!

2. Home health aides

Change an old guy’s diaper at his house!

3. Biomedical engineer

Travel back in time to prevent yourself from partying the night before the SATs and thus ruining your chances at Yale and a career in the biomedical healthcare industry instead of your current (not for long) career as a postal worker!

4. Construction or Landscaping “Helper”

Learn Spanish, then get paid a relatively shitty wage to move bricks around. Or, learn Spanish, find a union, and give them 25% of your wages for…something, I guess.

5. Carpentry “Helper”

See number four!

As you can see, not all hope is lost. There are plenty of shitty jobs in the fast-growth sector, and even some good jobs (number 3!). But you probably won’t get one of those jobs, because it seems pretty clear that no one in the “greatest decline” category has the skills necessary to develop better HPV vaccines. So you’d better sign up for some Spanish classes.*

*As a footnote, I’d like to point out that if you’re the kind of person who complained about immigration, and how all immigrants should learn English, and you’re now looking for a job, you’re screwed. Because while you were maligning immigrants, they were starting companies and hiring their compatriots. So good luck finding work with them, jackass!

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