Wanted: Band to Play for the Grand Old Party; Must Not Rock Too Hard or Support Immigration Rights

Alas, the GOP is having some difficulties in scoring their political battle against Barry “Probably Loves Jazz” Obama. Recently, Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich was told that he could not use “Eye of the Tiger,” a rousing anthem by Survivor, to support his campaign; I’m told his second choice, “Rye or the Kaiser,” by Weird Al, was also unavailable. Mittensus also had some problems; Somali-born artist K’naan insisted that he stop using “Wavin’ Flag” as a victory tune. Given the lyrics of “Wavin’ Flag” I’m wondering if there’s not some prankster/saboteur in the Romney campaign. If so, I doff my cap to you, good sir or madam.

In any case, this is the not the first time the GOP’s had trouble with commie rockers; no, John McCain was forced to apologize (and pay a settlement) for using Jackson Browne’s “Running on Empty,” and Charlie Crist got in trouble for using “Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads.

It’s not surprising to anyone whose brain functions normally that artists would not support the GOP candidates in their eternal struggle to perpetuate the oligarchy. After all, artists are all hippies who couldn’t make it in finance, right? But what’s amusing is the split between rock and country; seemingly, country artists have no problem whoring their music for candidates that would likely ban dancing if given half the chance. There are probably dissertations to be written on the subject in doctoral programs for musical theory (what? someone’s got to appreciate music on an academic level, and sure as hell don’t want to do it), so I’ll not speculate on the divide. Instead, I’ll suggest a few alternatives so that Mittensus and Fruit’n’Cake can keep on truckin’:

“Relax,” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

It’s the perfect song for a party where members continously attempt to deny gay rights and then get busted for trolling men’s rooms.

“Frozen,” by Madonna.

Another perfect song for the GOP, a party constantly frozen in their politics and approaches to deal with problems. Plus, they’re hearts are definitely not open.

“Big Bottoms,” by Spinal Tap.

Possibly the most perfect song for the GOP. After all, they seem to be obsessed with big bottoms, and they are most definitely swimming in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.

Any other suggestions?

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