Admiral McRaven to Obama: U.S. Special Forces Are All Out of Bubblegum

Some dude once told me a story about his encounter with a Navy SEAL, and I have no reason to doubt him. He was an MP in the Navy, and he’d been ordered to arrest a Navy SEAL; for what, he did not recall. He found the SEAL in a bar, drinking beer and giving off a general vibe of badassery. He and his partner walked over to the SEAL and told him he was under arrest; the SEAL calmly stood and allowed them to cuff him. Then, he tore loose from the cuffs with no effort, let loose a roar, shot lasers from his eyes, turned green, stabbed people with adamantium claws, and crushed someone’s head with Mjolnir.

Like I said, I have no reason to doubt that story. And because of that, I have to lend my support to Admiral McRaven’s (how could he be anything other than a spec ops badass with that name?) suggestions for expanding the role of the U.S. special forces:

The plan would give him more autonomy to position his forces and their war-fighting equipment where intelligence and global events indicate they are most needed.

It would also allow the Special Operations forces to expand their presence in regions where they have not operated in large numbers for the past decade, especially in Asia, Africa and Latin America.

Like any badass president (see JFK), Obama has utilized the military’s special forces as his preferred method of pimp-slapping terrorists; however, some military commanders bristle at the thought of allowing special forces commanders to operate with more independence. Yet officials, including Admiral McRaven of the clan McRaven, stress that operational authority would be maintained:

Officials stressed that in almost all cases, Special Operations forces would still only be ordered on specific missions by the regional four-star commander.

“It’s not really about Socom running the global war on terrorism,” Admiral McRaven said in a brief interview last week, referring to the Special Operations Command. “I don’t think we’re ready to do that. What it’s about is how do I better support” the regional combatant commanders.

This support includes a greater operational capability to assist other regional special forces groups, and to provide general global ass-kicking wherever it might be required.

Nevertheless, some might see a concern with the expansion of an elite group of ninja badasses that could easily topple any foreign government; however, these people are hippies and they should shut the hell up. Think of it this way: if you were the President, and the Justice League (or those stupid Avengers) were real, and they were like “Hey, President–what can we do for you today?” would you say “Oh, nothing, that’s cool–I love hippies and peace and all that shit.” Hell no you wouldn’t! You’d tell Superman and Batman to go kick some ass, that’s what you’d do.

Because you’re an American, and not some Goddamn hippie.

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