Hasbro Promises to Ruin All of Your Childhood Memories Through the Medium of Film

Yes, Hasbro Studios will destroy any fondness you may have once felt for the toys of your childhood by whoring them out until they die, wheezing and broken, on the side of Mulholland Drive:

To expand into television, Hasbro formed a production company, Hasbro Studios, and joined with Discovery Communications in 2010 to create the Hub, a TV channel with programming based on Hasbro toys and games. Ratings have been steadily increasing; the number of viewers grew 16 percent in January over the same period the year before.

The idea was to expand on Hasbro’s most popular properties.

Allow me to translate that last part for you: “We’d like to fist your memories and make you regret ever playing with our gender-normative toys.”

Even Stretch Armstrong. Which is going to get a movie, apparently. Did you know that Hasbro also owns Wizards of the Coast? That’s right, nerds: your beloved Magic cards and Dungeons & Dragons are going to suffer the same fate as G.I. Joe and Transformers (although the D&D movie did come out long before G.I. Joe–so I guess those poor bastards already got it).

I suggest busting out your old toys from storage and giving them a rousing send off by playing with them one last time and then setting them on fire.

After that, you should get drunk and have yourself a nice cry.

4 thoughts on “Hasbro Promises to Ruin All of Your Childhood Memories Through the Medium of Film

    • It’s so much worse than I imagined! I Wikipedia’d Stretch (in the hopes of providing a humorous imitation of a screenplay), and this is what I found. This is from the Wikipedia page:

      In 2008, Universal Studios signed a deal with Hasbro to create a film about Armstrong based on a screenplay written by Nicholas Stoller.[6] On February 5, 2010, Universal Studios announced Taylor Lautner will star as Armstrong and that the film will be in 3-D. The film is produced by Brian Grazer. Grazer states “Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time … It’s a story about a guy stretching … the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”[7][8] The film is scheduled for a 2012 release.[9] On January 30, 2012 Relativity Media pickup the Stretch Armstrong Live-Action Film, after Universal Studios drop it.

      Stretching the limits of what he can be? Sweet Merciful Jesus, I hope that Brian Grazer was joking when he said that.

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