Republican Punditards Can’t Seem to Connect with Romneybot

Sadly, poor Mittensus just can’t seem to please the Republican punditards:

From the television studios of Fox News to the pages of The Weekly Standard, the refrain of the conservative opinion machine is virtually the same: Mitt Romney doesn’t talk to us, doesn’t get us.

You see, to be a viable conservative candidate, you have to stroke the massive egos of the Republican punditard caucus: you have to feed Rush ham while rubbing his belly; you have to shave Ann Coulter’s back; you have to discuss the Reagan Doctrine with Charles Krauthammer while nude; you have to procure the tears of a newborn baby for Michelle Malkin’s beauty regimen; and you have help William Kristol molt (a lengthy process, I’m told).

All of this is understandably a sideshow to the main event: being elected president. Yet the punditards disagree; participating in their horrorshow is necessary to proving your worth as a candidate:

“The real problem here is that it shows he doesn’t have fluency with conservative ideas,” Charles Krauthammer, the conservative columnist, said on Fox News.

Or, as Rush Limbaugh noted the other day on his radio show, “I have never heard anybody say, ‘I’m severely conservative.’”

I doubt the real problem is the awkward phrasings that are second nature to a patrician douche like Mittensus.

Instead, I think the actual source of the animosity between conservative punditards and Mittensus is likely this: Mittensus represents, unlike them, the conservative ideal; that is to say, he’s a wealthy, well-groomed white male with an Ivy League background that descends from an elite white, Christian family. Plus, he wasn’t raised in Canada and doesn’t have degrees from foreign universities (I’m looking at you, Krauthammer–you socialist bastard).

But perhaps I’m giving the punditards too much credit; after all, the reflective capacity of conservative assclowns is “severely” limited. So perhaps it’s just been butthurt all along.

In either case, that Mittensus doesn’t coddle the conservative commentariat is a plus in my book.

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