Congratulations! You’ve somehow beaten the odds and landed yourself a job interview. But now the pressing concern becomes succeeding in the interview and getting hired; to do that, you’re going to need to follow some simple advice on how to behave during an interview.
1. Pretend that you’re interested.
Maybe you’re lucky, and you’ve got an interview for a job you care about, and in that case you won’t have to pretend. But that’s not likely in this economy, Mr. Philosophy Major! More likely, you won’t give a shit about this job–so you’ll have to feign interest. Just like you used to when a cute girl from Campus Crusade for Christ was talking about…well, whatever the hell those people talk about.
2. Don’t update your Facebook during the interview.
I know this will be hard for many of you, but entering status updates in the middle of the interview is probably not the best idea. Especially if the employer checks Facebook. Because they will not appreciate your “This dude smellz like cheeze lol” witticism.
3. Don’t wear a Boy Scout uniform and then not explain why you’re wearing it.
Perhaps it’s best to avoid wearing a Boy Scout uniform altogether, even if you can explain it. Other uniforms to avoid: circa 1942 German military uniforms, your McDonald’s polo (even though it’s your only collared shirt–buy a new shirt, dammit!), or anything that screams “my parole officer loaned this to me.”
4. Don’t get arrested during your interview.
Obviously, it looks really bad. Unless you’re an undercover cop and you’re interviewing for a job with Jimmy Fingahz, the Butcher of Boise. Because then it might look pretty good.
5. Bring your own beverage.
As delicious as your interviewer’s coffee might smell, don’t ask for a sip. Bring your own beverage, or, if they offer you coffee, do not assume that they mean from their own cup. That’s just bad form.
6. Don’t bring a book on interviewing techniques.
Unless you wrote the book on interviewing techniques, in which case, yeah–you should bring it in.
7. Don’t vandalize the company’s property when they tell you they’ll get back to you.
You never know–they might have actually meant it. Wait until they hired someone else and then vandalize the property.
8. If you’re interviewing on the phone, don’t place your interviewer on hold.
And if you do, do not offer as an explanation “Sorry, it’s just that someone just answered that swinger party ad I put on craigslist! I know what I’m doing this weekend!”
9. Keep your clothes on.
Save the harassment-bait behavior for after you’re hired–the lawsuit will be stronger if there’s a pattern of harassment!
10. Refrain from cutting someone off in traffic and then shouting to them “Eat my ass, bitch!” before the interview.
Because if you’re unlucky, that person you cut off will be your interviewer. And with that new power dynamic, it certainly won’t be the interviewer who eats some ass.