And Now for Some Completely Unsurprising News from Utah

Utah’s House of Representatives recently passed a bill that would severely limit the scope of sex education in schools. Apparently, the bill allows schools to skip sex education entirely; however, if the school chooses to offer the course, it must be designed in consultation with parents, and not discuss contraception.

Curious democrats inquired about the content of an abstinence-only sex ed course, and Bill Wright (R), penned a curriculum on the spot:

“…the course could include lessons on friendship, dating and love…a lesson on the consequences of sex outside of marriage and a lesson on how to teach people to say no to sex.”

“Why don’t we just be honest with our children and tell them right up front that sex outside of marriage is devastating?” Wright said.

Pressed further, Wright offered the following list of devastating occurrences brought on by people having sex outside of marriage. It’s not an exhaustive list, either; that dude rambled on for hours. According to Representative Wright, the following events should be blamed on people having sex outside of marriage:

  • The 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake
  • The cover-up of the Roswell spacecraft landing
  • The assassination of JFK
  • Your mom’s souffle failures
  • Fraggle Rock
  • The publication of White Ninja, by Eric von Lustbader
  • The Yankees losing to the Red Sox
  • The slow decline of polar bear populations
  • Global warming
  • People wearing socks with sandals
  • Flared jeans
  • Cat memes

As you can see, Utah is clearly doing us all a favor.

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