So You’re Thinking About Going to College

Have you not been paying attention to the economy? Even people that go to good schools aren’t getting jobs–what the hell makes you think you’re so special? Oh, that’s right–you’re a millenial. Therefore everyone’s been telling you what a special snowflake you are for your entire life. Well then, I guess congratulations are in order. Congratulations for not paying attention to the world around you, and congratulations for deciding to take a tentative step toward doing something one day. That’s the kind of shit people praise you for, right?

In any case, you’ll need a handy checklist of things to think about in between status updates on Facebook or tweets about how you hate when Wikipedia doesn’t have an article that you need for a paper. So pay attention, snowflake!

1. Upsell your personal statement.

Yes, it’s possible someone might read this essay (if you beat the cut scores; otherwise, don’t bother), so you’ve got to do everything you can to improve your chances for admission. Luckily, that’s easy to do on a personal statement. Mix and match any of the following for a can’t lose admissions essay:

  • “My love of musical theater and Prada handbags has made life in Midland, Texas, very difficult.”
  • “Working in my parents’ restaurant between violin, piano, and ballet lessons was difficult to fit in, but I know it made me a stronger person.”
  • “And that’s why I’ll never forget the promise I made on my best friend’s deathbed; and one day I will hold that “Go Bulldogs” sign at the Harvard-Yale game in remembrance of her.”
  • “It was funny, really: who would have thought that a kid from Canton would create the year’s most popular smartphone app?”

2. Think about the costs.

Quite frankly, if you have to do this, you should not be attending college.

3. Have a school counselor help you begin your research.

What are you, an old? Use the fucking Internet!

4. Take your exams.

Test-taking is obviously the most important aspect of the college admissions process. Luckily, you’re part of Generation Special Snowflake, and so all you know how to do is take standardized exams; this will give you a leg-up in the race to the Ivy League. If you cannot afford to hire a test-prep coach, you should not be attending college. Because let’s face it, if you can’t spend a couple sawbucks on an SAT tutor than how will you afford black market Adderall during finals week? Back to cosmetology school, chump!

5. Visit a campus and see what it’s like to be an annoying undergraduate.

Determining where you’d like to spend four years is no easy task, especially on the basis of a weekend visit. And if that weekend visit included a party, that task becomes all the more difficult, because let’s face it, who would turn down the University of Bierundboobsen? Nevertheless, strive to make your choice as objective as possible; you don’t want to end up going to some second-rate state school just because you got laid at a tailgate party (go Warhawks!).

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8 thoughts on “So You’re Thinking About Going to College

  1. I should have gone to Ball State. At least then, I would be able to make future employers uncomfortable when asking where I went to school!

  2. I am a special snowflake, dammit!
    How about community college? When you are already old? And you just want to learn how to make pertty pictures on the computer box? Is that so wrong?
    Stop messing with my mind.

  3. Pingback: Education News A-Go-Go! | Above The News

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