So You’re Thinking About Going to College

Have you not been paying attention to the economy? Even people that go to good schools aren’t getting jobs–what the hell makes you think you’re so special? Oh, that’s right–you’re a millenial. Therefore everyone’s been telling you what a special snowflake you are for your entire life. Well then, I guess congratulations are in order. Congratulations for not paying attention to the world around you, and congratulations for deciding to take a tentative step toward doing something one day. That’s the kind of shit people praise you for, right?

In any case, you’ll need a handy checklist of things to think about in between status updates on Facebook or tweets about how you hate when Wikipedia doesn’t have an article that you need for a paper. So pay attention, snowflake!

1. Upsell your personal statement.

Yes, it’s possible someone might read this essay (if you beat the cut scores; otherwise, don’t bother), so you’ve got to do everything you can to improve your chances for admission. Luckily, that’s easy to do on a personal statement. Mix and match any of the following for a can’t lose admissions essay:

  • “My love of musical theater and Prada handbags has made life in Midland, Texas, very difficult.”
  • “Working in my parents’ restaurant between violin, piano, and ballet lessons was difficult to fit in, but I know it made me a stronger person.”
  • “And that’s why I’ll never forget the promise I made on my best friend’s deathbed; and one day I will hold that “Go Bulldogs” sign at the Harvard-Yale game in remembrance of her.”
  • “It was funny, really: who would have thought that a kid from Canton would create the year’s most popular smartphone app?”

2. Think about the costs.

Quite frankly, if you have to do this, you should not be attending college.

3. Have a school counselor help you begin your research.

What are you, an old? Use the fucking Internet!

4. Take your exams.

Test-taking is obviously the most important aspect of the college admissions process. Luckily, you’re part of Generation Special Snowflake, and so all you know how to do is take standardized exams; this will give you a leg-up in the race to the Ivy League. If you cannot afford to hire a test-prep coach, you should not be attending college. Because let’s face it, if you can’t spend a couple sawbucks on an SAT tutor than how will you afford black market Adderall during finals week? Back to cosmetology school, chump!

5. Visit a campus and see what it’s like to be an annoying undergraduate.

Determining where you’d like to spend four years is no easy task, especially on the basis of a weekend visit. And if that weekend visit included a party, that task becomes all the more difficult, because let’s face it, who would turn down the University of Bierundboobsen? Nevertheless, strive to make your choice as objective as possible; you don’t want to end up going to some second-rate state school just because you got laid at a tailgate party (go Warhawks!).

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The Time Has Come to Start Liking PCs Ironically

That’s right, trend-spotters: if you want to be in on the next big thing, it’s time to slap a pair of skinny jeans and Ray-Bans on your desktop computer. Because according to Apple CEO Tim Cook, with the rise of the tablet, your PC just became your most irony-worthy accessory. And he’s not alone:

His forecast has backing from a growing number of analysts and veteran technology industry executives, who contend that the torrid growth rates of the iPad, combined with tablet competition from the likes of Amazon.com and Microsoft, make a changing of the guard a question of when, not if.

This is especially relevant given that Apple’s holiday tablet sales accounted for 40% more revenue than their Mac sales. And as many of you already know, the next iteration of the iPad is nearly here; Apple has planned a press event for March 7, and they’re expected to announce the latest features and improvements.

There is good news, however: PCs still outsell tablets by a wide margin, so you have time to fashion your clever PoMo stance toward that bulky porn-viewing device on your desk. But don’t take too long, because the competition brewing in the tablet market is sure to drive the Curve right to your doorstep.

And when the Curve arrives, if your computer is being used for anything other than some ironic spreadsheet viewing, you’re going to find it very hard indeed to get a table at that gin cooperative down the street.

Utah Will No Longer Tolerate Your Sexy Shenanigans

In a bid to crack down on prostitution (and annoy the shit out of people trying to get a lapdance), the state of Utah recently amended a solicitation law to include boobs and sexy gestures:

Utah law had defined solicitation as a person agreeing to have sex for money. But an amendment last year broadened it to include any person who performs acts such as exposing or touching themselves.

An attorney for the escort services says the law now makes it a crime for a stripper to merely expose private parts during a dance.

Apparently, police officers were having a difficult time busting escorts for prostitution; the officers would do all that they could within the bounds of the law to get the escort to offer sex. Not to be fooled, the wily dancers would ask their clients to expose themselves, which is illegal for a police officer to do.

Now, however, the officers may arrest the dancers for erotic gestures or the exposure of dirty pillows (one arrest has been made, though the case is pending a federal court decision regarding the amendment).

There’s no word yet on whether scratching your ass under the hot Utah sun will be prohibited by the amendment; presumably, it would only be an arrestable offense if you have a nice booty.

Google Would Also Like a Peek at Your Sex Videos

Recent reports indicate that your cat videos, sex pics, and that video you took of that hot hipster on the subway are not safe on your phone if you authorize certain application features. Seemingly, it was only a problem for iPhones and iPads. False! Google’s Android apps are also quite invasive; more so, in fact, than Apple’s:

It turns out that Google, maker of the Android mobile operating system, takes it one step further. Android apps do not need permission to get a user’s photos, and as long as an app has the right to go to the Internet, it can copy those photos to a remote server without any notice, according to developers and mobile security experts. It is not clear whether any apps that are available for Android devices are actually doing this.

“We can confirm that there is no special permission required for an app to read pictures,” said Kevin Mahaffey, chief technology officer of Lookout, a company that makes Android security software. “This is based on Lookout’s findings on all devices we’ve tested.”

So, whether you’re a British secret agent or an amateur pornographer, look out: your phone is no longer a safe place to store pictures that might horrify your grandmother. Or you, if it happens to be your grandmother’s phone. Yikes.

According to Google, the problem has to do with the ways in which the apps were configured to store data; originally, the apps functioned to make transferring data from removable memory much easier.

“We originally designed the Android photos file system similar to those of other computing platforms like Windows and Mac OS,” the spokesman said in an e-mail message. “At the time, images were stored on a SD card, making it easy for someone to remove the SD card from a phone and put it in a computer to view or transfer those images. As phones and tablets have evolved to rely more on built-in, nonremovable memory, we’re taking another look at this and considering adding a permission for apps to access images. We’ve always had policies in place to remove any apps on Android Market that improperly access your data.”

It’s apparently quite easy to configure an application to automatically take your most recent photos and submit them to a photo-sharing website; best of all, the app need mention nothing at all about photos!

Google’s app policy requires that applications be incapable of malicious data theft, but since anyone can publish an app, it’s entirely possible to get one past the goalie.

So, for the love of God, don’t download any apps called “Super Fun Time Love Joy App for Ray of Sunshine,” and make sure you warn your friends and family. Because the last thing you need to see is grandma’s…ahem!…duckface.

If Timmy Kills 9 Hookers and Billy Kills 6 Hookers, How Many More Hookers Must They Kill to Reach 20?

Yes, the answer is five; put your hand down, no one likes a know-it-all. If, however, you’re more concerned with the nature of the problem than with its answer, you’ll sympathize with these parents immediately:

Some DC parents are shocked over math problems that were sent home with third graders at the Trinidad Center City Public Charter School.

One says the “bloodthirsty aliens then sucked the blood of 828 teachers and left them for dead.”

Another follows a SWAT team member who “killed 163 terrorists, 296 murderers and 206 arsonists. How many criminals did he kill on an average day?”

You can read all of the problems here. I assure you that they are hilarious.

The problems come from a website for home-schoolers; they were categorized under “third-grade multiplication.”

Reportedly, the teacher was forced to use the website, or else she and three other teachers would be subjected to (x)ravenous wolves; she also noted that in order to have two ravenous wolves per teacher as the principal required, (x) must equal 8 wolves.

The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes Just Got a Bit Thicker

There’s an old joke that goes something like this: What’s the thinnest book in the world? The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes! Hilarious! Well, that book just got a little bit thicker.

The Robert Beren Academy boys basketball team, which recently earned a spot in the state semifinals, will be forced to forfeit their upcoming semifinal game because the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools refuses to reschedule the playing time, which happens to coincide with the Jewish Sabbath. The Head of School, Rabbi Harry Sinoff, has asked TAPPS to reschedule to earlier in the day, but TAPPS refused.

“There should be a really big reason that prevents a team that has worked hard and earned its position before you exclude them,” Sinoff said. “All sports have been improved by inclusion.”

The Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools, otherwise known as the Texas Association of Dickbags, claims the schedule cannot be shifted. Not surprisingly, the majority of schools in the dickbag association are Christian.

“We have certain things that we do, not necessarily based on religion, but when TAPPS was founded, there were no schools in it that celebrated their Sabbath on anything but on Sunday,” said TAPPS Executive Director Edd Burleson.

Burleson also noted that Robert Beren Academy knew the rules going in, and joined anyway so that their team would have opponents to play against.

Perhaps most irritating (and unsurprising), is that accommodations have been made in the past: according to Rabbi Sinoff, a Seventh-Day Adventist team was allowed to reschedule a tournament game that would have taken place on Saturday.

Sadly, this means that Robert Beren Academy’s team will forfeit, and Kerville Our Lady of the Hills Catholic School, the opponent that they crushed to reach the semifinals, will play instead. Yeah, it certainly is tough to be a Christian in America.

I hope that Kerville gets scored on more times than Mary in a manger. Mazel tov, bitches!

What Do NASA Computers and Your Mom Have in Common?

They’re both easy to get into! Ha! Although NASA computers appear to be giving your mom a run for her money:

NASA had 5,408 computer security lapses in 2010 and 2011, including the March 2011 loss of a laptop computer that contained algorithms used to command and control the International Space Station (ISS), the agency’s inspector general told Congress Wednesday.

“These incidents spanned a wide continuum, from individuals testing their skill to break into NASA systems, to well-organized criminal enterprises hacking for profit, to intrusions that may have been sponsored by foreign intelligence services seeking to further their countries’ objectives,” Inspector General Paul Martin said in written testimony before the House Science, Space and Technology Committee investigations panel.

Apparently, these wham-bams add up; NASA reports that the intrusions may have cost the agency up to $7 million. One particularly egregious incident involved the theft of an unsecured laptop that contained operational code for the International Space Station. Hugo Drax, eccentric billionaire and radical libertarian utopianist was the leading suspect until he mysteriously disappeared.

In other news, when your mom sits around the house, she apparently sits around the house. Also, your mom is apparently so uneducated that she thought a quarterback was a refund; sources blame growing property tax losses and unfunded mandates for her lapsed academic achievement.

Obama Will Not Be Happy Until Gasoline Prices Reach $10,000,000 Per Gallon

He is, however, more than willing to start with $5 a gallon. That’s right, Emperor Muslimtine wants your family to pay $5 a gallon so that he can finance his dreams of turning America into a theocracy. Oh, wait–that’s this guy. Sorry, I got confused.

In any event, gas prices seem poised to rise even further, which will prompt morons to demand that Obama personally alleviate the hardship caused by their poor decision to buy a used Range Rover. Moreover, because the price of oil is linked to the volatility in the Middle East, the price surge could force some rather blustery rhetoric from neocon chickenhawks:

“If we get some kind of explosion — like an Israeli attack or some local Iranian revolutionary guard decides to take matters in his own hands and attacks a tanker — than we’d see oil prices push up 20 to 25 percent higher and another 50 cents a gallon at the pump,” said Michael C. Lynch, president of Strategic Energy and Economic Research.

For the typical driver who pumps 60 gallons a month of regular unleaded gasoline, a 50-cent increase in price means an extra expense of $30 a month.

I can hear the rich guys now:

“I say, Yarmouth, let’s rile the plebes with this business. An extra $30 per month ought to do it; those poor bastards love to put people in harm’s way for the price of a dinner at Chili’s.”

Oil prices have steadily increased in part because of the tensions with Iran, though demand from China also plays its part. Yet interestingly, demand seems to be but one part of the problem: the other part, speculation:

“The bankers are speculating, protecting themselves from higher prices by committing obligations to buy now, and that starts the ball rolling toward higher prices,” said Sadad Ibrahim al-Husseini, former head of exploration and production at Saudi Aramco, the state oil company.

He added that the escalating civil turmoil in Syria, a crucial ally of Iran, “is bound to increase price volatility and that will drive future speculation.”

So, what we have here is the classic set-up for American politics: the Republitards will blame Obama for rising gas prices, citing his energy policy, and use those prices to rile the idiot base. They will also appeal to the violent, nationalistic instinct present in the American populace and demand military action in the name of patriotism; failure to act, they will claim, proves that Obama sympathizes with Muslims and hates America. Meanwhile, banks with billions of dollars in holdings will speculate on the price of oil, driving the prices ever-higher, which will create record profits for the oil companies that do business with the banks.

And worst of all, because of rising gas prices, you won’t even be able to afford a consolatory dinner at Chili’s. Well, maybe a dinner. But you’ll only be able to get one appetizer. And it’s just so hard to choose.

Damn Obama!

The Bristol Club: Don’t You Forget About Me

In an effort to maintain her now expired 15 minutes, Bristol Palin will star in a reality television series on Lifetime later this year. If you’re curious as to what qualifies Bristol to discuss reality (or represent it), you are not alone, my friend!

Apparently, the show, entitled “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” will focus on Bristol’s attempts to raise a child that we all know will turn out to be a maladjusted famewhore. Just like the rest of the people who grew up in Alaska.

I kid, I kid.

It’s interesting, however, to note that Bristol has found some sort of media activity each year to keep her star from tarnishing; 2012 will see a reality show, last year saw a memoir, and the year before that she danced with the stars. What possibilities await us in 2013? Here are my predictions.

  • Abstinence-only sex tape
  • Boone’s Farm endorsement deal
  • Methamphetamine scandal
  • Celebrity marriage to Lindsay Lohan (now legal in seven states!)
  • MTV “Journalism” job
  • Waiting tables at the Mat-Su Resort
  • Appearance on “Hell’s Kitchen”
  • A starring role as Titania in the Valley Performing Arts production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
  • A substitute teaching gig at Wasilla High School that will provide the basis for an action thriller starring John Cena, Chris Benoit, Jason Statham, and various retired porn actresses
  • Another reality series, this one based on her entrance into politics.  Look out, Parnell–Bristol’s coming for your seemingly endless governorship!

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