If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered what the people of Westeros would think about Ron Paul. Well, wonder no more, my friends, because today I have convened a very special panel! What follows is an excerpt of a panel discussion where I questioned some very important Westerosi about Representative Paul.
Esteemed Moderator: I’d like to thank you for joining me. Today I welcome King Robert Baratheon, of House Baratheon; Lord Stannis Baratheon, of House Baratheon; Lord Eddard Stark, of House Stark; Queen Cersei Baratheon nee Lannister; Lord Tywin Lannister, of House Lannister; Lord Tyrion Lannister, of House Lannister; Ser Jaime Lannister, of the Kingsguard and House Lannister; and last but not least, Daenerys Targaryen, Khaleesi, and of House Targaryen. Welcome. I’ll start with you, Lord Tywin. What do you make of Representative Paul’s economic policy?
Lord Tywin: Quite frankly, I cannot make anything of it. It has the flavor of water and the substance of wind; I daresay this Paul fellow has never studied the ancient economic treatises of Westeros.
Lord Tyrion: I’d like to respond to that, if I may. Certainly, Paul does not seem to grasp the various intricacies of interconnected economic systems, but he does grasp well something my father should appreciate: the value of gold. Although unlike my father, no one claims of this Paul fellow an ability to evacuate golden coins from his bowels!
Lord Tywin: Tyrion, you make a mockery of this!
Esteemed Moderator: No, Tyrion’s quite right; Representative Paul is not rumored to shit gold. Newsletters, perhaps, but not gold.
King Robert: Listen, what’s truly important are this Paul fellow’s views on war. What say he in the matter of conflict? And does he carry an axe?
Esteemed Moderator: He is non-confrontational, and does not carry an axe.
King Robert: Then damn the man and his womanish ways! A man that prefers his tongue to an axe is no man fit for leadership!
Queen Cersei: The King speaks truly, at least for himself; his skill with an axe does far exceed the skill of his tongue.
King Robert: Damn you, too, woman! I’m tired of this talk; words are wind from an arse, and I would have some ale!
Esteemed Moderator: King Robert, I assure you there will be ale in due time. Now, Khaleesi, I would like to ask you about your views on Representative Paul. What do you think of his libertarian views?
Lady Daenerys: Well, as a person born of noble blood, libertarianism seems a bit silly. The merit of a man surely counts for something, but even the most hard-working peasant is still a peasant. However, I would see opportunities for those who wish to have their skills known; seemingly, a man is made more virtuous by work.
Ser Jaime: A simple view, and one my good brother would know not of!
Lord Tyrion: You speak the truth, good brother, for simple views are not my purview, as they are yours! My real concerns about this Paul fellow lie with his hidden points of view–he claims he advocates unfettered markets, yet knows little of modern trade and would seek to hinder currencies. He claims he would like nothing more than various territorial freedoms, yet offers no terms for the settling of disputes. He claims personal freedom as the highest dignity, yet seems to harbor a deep-rooted conservatism; I say his sights are paradox, and a man with knotted views cannot govern.
Esteemed Moderator: Well spoken. I shall pause there so that King Robert may quench his thirst. Join us later as we continue our discussion.