Robert: “Hi, Ned–I Sure Could Use Your Help Rebelling Against the Mad King. How About it?” Accept?

That’s right, folks–Game of Thrones is coming to Facebook. Game design firm Disruptor Beam recently announced it had a license to develop a game for Facebook based on A Game of Thrones:

In Game of Thrones Ascent players will lead the life of a noble during the time of upheaval as portrayed in the books and the series thus experiencing a new type of game that unites both story and strategy. Players will claim their birthright by choosing which of the great houses they’ll swear allegiance to, securing their holdings, developing their lands and personal reputation, and assigning sworn swords to quests–while forging alliances with new friends and much more!

Better still, Disruptor Beam is accepting registrations for the beta version! So get out there and bolster your stores, because winter is coming, and you can’t always rely on your stingy Facebook friends to gift you wheat.

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Panel: Westeros Weighs in on Ron Paul, Part 1

If you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered what the people of Westeros would think about Ron Paul. Well, wonder no more, my friends, because today I have convened a very special panel! What follows is an excerpt of a panel discussion where I questioned some very important Westerosi about Representative Paul.

Esteemed Moderator: I’d like to thank you for joining me. Today I welcome King Robert Baratheon, of House Baratheon; Lord Stannis Baratheon, of House Baratheon; Lord Eddard Stark, of House Stark; Queen Cersei Baratheon nee Lannister; Lord Tywin Lannister, of House Lannister; Lord Tyrion Lannister, of House Lannister; Ser Jaime Lannister, of the Kingsguard and House Lannister; and last but not least, Daenerys Targaryen, Khaleesi, and of House Targaryen. Welcome. I’ll start with you, Lord Tywin. What do you make of Representative Paul’s economic policy?

Lord Tywin: Quite frankly, I cannot make anything of it. It has the flavor of water and the substance of wind; I daresay this Paul fellow has never studied the ancient economic treatises of Westeros.

Lord Tyrion: I’d like to respond to that, if I may. Certainly, Paul does not seem to grasp the various intricacies of interconnected economic systems, but he does grasp well something my father should appreciate: the value of gold. Although unlike my father, no one claims of this Paul fellow an ability to evacuate golden coins from his bowels!

Lord Tywin: Tyrion, you make a mockery of this!

Esteemed Moderator: No, Tyrion’s quite right; Representative Paul is not rumored to shit gold. Newsletters, perhaps, but not gold.

King Robert: Listen, what’s truly important are this Paul fellow’s views on war. What say he in the matter of conflict? And does he carry an axe?

Esteemed Moderator: He is non-confrontational, and does not carry an axe.

King Robert: Then damn the man and his womanish ways! A man that prefers his tongue to an axe is no man fit for leadership!

Queen Cersei: The King speaks truly, at least for himself; his skill with an axe does far exceed the skill of his tongue.

King Robert: Damn you, too, woman! I’m tired of this talk; words are wind from an arse, and I would have some ale!

Esteemed Moderator: King Robert, I assure you there will be ale in due time. Now, Khaleesi, I would like to ask you about your views on Representative Paul. What do you think of his libertarian views?

Lady Daenerys: Well, as a person born of noble blood, libertarianism seems a bit silly. The merit of a man surely counts for something, but even the most hard-working peasant is still a peasant. However, I would see opportunities for those who wish to have their skills known; seemingly, a man is made more virtuous by work.

Ser Jaime: A simple view, and one my good brother would know not of!

Lord Tyrion: You speak the truth, good brother, for simple views are not my purview, as they are yours! My real concerns about this Paul fellow lie with his hidden points of view–he claims he advocates unfettered markets, yet knows little of modern trade and would seek to hinder currencies. He claims he would like nothing more than various territorial freedoms, yet offers no terms for the settling of disputes. He claims personal freedom as the highest dignity, yet seems to harbor a deep-rooted conservatism; I say his sights are paradox, and a man with knotted views cannot govern.

Esteemed Moderator: Well spoken. I shall pause there so that King Robert may quench his thirst. Join us later as we continue our discussion.

Drinking Game of Thrones, Amended

It occurs to me that many fans of Martin’s series might have been disappointed to find that my last post about Game of Thrones was in fact about Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee. And despite the fact that I gave many suggestions for getting hammered, I suspect the fans might still be upset. Thus, I’ve decided to apologize by giving the people what they want: a Game of Thrones drinking game.

Except for that my version is played using the novels.

That’s right, folks: step right up, and get hammered while you read. What, you’ve never played a reading-drinking game before? Well, it’s high time you start!

A Novel Approach to Getting Hammered Whilst Enjoying A Song of Ice and Fire

The Basics:

1 drink for the prologue
1 drink for a new chapter
2 drinks for any Stark except Bran
3 drinks for Jon Snow, Daenerys, any Greyjoy, or any Lannister
4 drinks for Bran (because let’s face it, Bran chapters need all the help they can get)
2 drinks for any new geographic location
3 drinks for every direwolf
1 drink every time someone mentions winter, and how it’s coming all the time

Building a Buzz

2 drinks every time Cersei and Jaime have sex
2 drinks every time you feel bad for Robert Baratheon
3 drinks every time you question why you feel bad for Robert Baratheon
1 drink every time you feel bad for Arya
2 drinks every time you feel bad for Sansa
1 drink every time Arya does something awesome
2 drinks every time Sansa does something annoying
3 drinks every time you ponder the mystery of Jon Snow
1 drink every time you want to murder Joffrey
1 drink every time you want to murder Cersei
1 drink every time you’re creeped out by Theon
1 drink every time you think there’s more to the Hound than meets the eye
1 drink every time Littlefinger or Varys does something suspicious
1 drink every time a Dothraki claims that it’s known
1 drink every time a Dothraki talks about/attempts a rape
1 drink every time Khal Drogo gets freaky with Daenerys

Blacking Out Before Depression

Finish your drink every time you lament the realism of these novels
Finish your drink every time you praise the realism of these novels
Finish your drink every time someone you thought was a major character dies

Enjoy!

Naturally, this is not an exhaustive list, so if you have any further suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments!

Drinking Game of Thrones

This post would be a lot better if it was actually about George R.R. Martin’s astounding A Song of Ice and Fire, but alas, it’s not, so deal with it. There’s a solid drinking game based on the series here, or perhaps here, and several worthy suggestions here.

Now that we’ve got that business sorted, on to the purpose of the post: yesterday was Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee, which is where the reigning British monarch is fed diamonds until she exhales a crystalline gas, which is collected, bottled, and sold to cure impotence. Also, it makes a delicious gourmet Sweet Tart.

And since The Daily Beast was kind enough to offer us a little slide show, I thought it would only be right (especially since I don’t have HBO and need some sort of monarchy/throne-based drinking game) to throw back a few sips in honor of a British old lady I’ve never met. Thus, I present:

The Daily Beast Slide Show of Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee Drinking Game

Take 1 drink if you see Queen Elizabeth; take 2 if she’s young; 3 if she’s jubilant
Take 2 drinks if you see Prince Phillip
Take 2 drinks if she’s wearing a hat
Take 2 drinks if she’s near a motor vehicle
Finish your beer if she’s with the late Candle in the Wind
Take 1 drink if the photo is in black and white
Take 1 drink for the obligatory advertisement
Take 2 drinks if she appears to be posing for a catalog
Take 1 drink for a pet or for children
Take 1 drink if she appears to be constipated
Take 2 drinks if she’s riding around in a ridiculous gold carriage

Repeat the slide show as many times as is necessary for you to become inebriated, or for you to appreciate the monarchy.

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