Breaking News: Santorum Collects in Colorado

This is breaking news, people (well, as breaking as the New York Times updates I get, anyway). Apparently Santorum just covered the Colorado caucus and emerged victorious; no doubt this will force Skynet to reconsider strategy.

Also, I’m going to bed, so feel free to do your own Goddamn research as to what this might mean for the future of the GOP.

Bonus alternate headline: Colorado Caucus is Deep into Santorum

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Santorum Explodes All Over Minnesota’s Caucus

That’s right, folks, it looks like the Santorum Surge isn’t quite finished: Santorum exploded all over the Minnesota caucus, as well as the non-binding Missouri caucus (whatever that means; I don’t feel like looking at Wikipedia right now). He was also running ahead in Colorado, a state that Romney previously carried.

Thus, despite the efforts of Mittensus, it would appear Santorum is surging all over the place. What this means isn’t precisely clear; however, it’s possible Skynet will consider sending reinforcements. At the very least Santorum is proving a viable alternative to Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich for second place; although with such a prominent showing, second place may give way to first as Mittensus is forced to acknowledge the power of Santorum.

Santorum’s message was clear:

“I don’t stand here to claim to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney,” Mr. Santorum said after thanking God for getting him through the “dog days” of the campaign and the illness of his daughter Bella. “I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama.”

Yes, despite Santorum’s daughter’s vampire pregnancy, he will remain a contender. He is determined to demonstrate that Mittensus and Obama are, in fact, the same Kenyan Muslim.

No doubt this news is greatly pleasing to Democrats, because Santorum is functionally retarded, stands no hope of winning the nomination or presidency, and as such he will continue to distract from the GOP’s only viable candidate, Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar.

In the Quest for the Republican Nomination, Romney Aims to Lick Santorum

The latest numbers from Missouri seem to support the Santorum Surge, but earlier in the week the Romney campaign turned their eye to licking Santorum once and for all. According to Tim Pawlenty, former governor of Minnesota “Rick Santorum is a nice guy, but he is simply not ready to be president.”

“Even in the face of crushing federal debt, Rick Santorum voted for the infamous ‘Bridge to Nowhere,’ ” Mr. Pawlenty said. “That type of leadership will not help us rein in government and slash the unprecedented federal debt.”

But Santorum wasn’t going to let mere words or follow-up emails turn him into a puddle; no, his campaign countered with some passive-aggressive rhetoric of his own:

“Governor Romney does what he always does and directs his well-funded attack machine to destroy the opponent,” said Hogan Gidley, a spokesman for Mr. Santorum. “In the Republican Party, we have a name for someone who supports government health care mandates, big bank bailouts and radical cap-and-trade initiatives. We call them Democrats.”

While it doesn’t seem that Santorum poses a legitimate threat (a victory in Missouri awards no delegates) to Romney, Santorum will continue to flail the dead horse of Massachusetts Romneycare. I hate to burst the Santorum bubble, but a program negotiated by a Republican governor in a Democratic state that is by all accounts successful and popular is not a great target.

Stick to the money, Santorum–don’t let yourself slip through the cracks.

Willy v. Sea World

On Monday a San Diego judge will consider arguments in what will likely be a landmark case in the Court of Whales. Also, the court of humans. According to PETA (like you’re surprised that they’re involved), this case is a step in the right direction:

PETA claims the captured killer whales are treated like slaves for being forced to live in tanks and perform daily at its parks in San Diego and Orlando.

“This case is on the next frontier of civil rights,” said PETA’s attorney Jeffrey Kerr, representing the five orcas.

Not surprisingly, Sea World’s lawyer does not share PETA’s enthusiasm:

Sea World’s attorney Theodore Shaw called the lawsuit a waste of the court’s time and resources. He said it defies common sense and goes against 125 years of case law applied to the Constitution’s 13th amendment that prohibits slavery between humans.

“With all due respect, the court does not have the authority to even consider this question,” Shaw said, adding later: “Neither orcas nor any other animal were included in the `We the people’ … when the Constitution was adopted.”

Judge Miller, the poor bastard who lost this round of calendar roulette, said he would take the arguments under advisement and issue a ruling later; however, he did express doubt that whales had standing to be plaintiffs.

Not surprisingly, this drew the ire of certain high-profile members of the whale community:

Well said, Shamu.

Nice Try GOP, but Obama Will Make these Look Cool

In an attempt to visually symbolize their disgust with Obama’s use of their own strategies that they use all the time, the GOP released this gag image:

Sadly, what the GOP fails to realize is that while they could never make flip-flops cool, Obama has been able to do it for almost four years now.

University of Hawaii Orders Porn Site You’ve Never Heard of to Cease and Desist

And thus ensures that you’ll visit that porn site, driving their previously lackluster traffic through the roof.

Today, the University of Hawaii sent a cease and desist letter to the operators of hawaii.xxx, demanding that those pornographers stop sullying the good name of their institution. Apparently, many universities purchase their domains with the “.xxx” extension, but Hawaii did not.

In other news, The University of Amateur Sorority Sluts IX just received accreditation and is accepting applications.

Obama’s Sack Has Upset Some Republicans

The latest kerfuffle over pretty much anything the president does, any time, is regarding his sack. More specifically, the sacks and scarves and tees he sold at a New York fund raiser:

Republicans contend the sale might violate campaign-finance rules. The gear will sell for a fraction of the price the designers’ merchandise typically fetches at department stores. Republicans say that suggests they relied on corporate resources to keep costs low, which could amount to illegal campaign contributions. On Mr. Lam’s website, handbags range in price from $340 to $1,890. The three scarves offered on Mr. Thakoon’s website go for $325 apiece.

“This raises serious questions about whether corporate money, property and employees were improperly used in the design and production of these items without reimbursement,” said Sean Spicer, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee.

Apparently the problem arises with the employees of the designer: employees are not allowed to be be paid for political work; instead, they must volunteer. If the employees of the designer got paid, it would be considered a contribution from a corporation.

The Obama campaign denies this and claims that the designers spent very little time on the items, and that everyone involved was a volunteer; really, it’s not a stretch to imagine that members of the design community are Obama supporters. According to Narciso Rodriguez, the design for Obama’s $45 tee did not take long, and that “sketch-time is not really work.” Rodriguez also said that he “designed a T-shirt for Mr. Obama’s 2008 presidential bid and volunteered this year because ‘the president is cool … someone I believe in.'”

There is no word yet on whether the Republicans will object to Obama’s forthcoming custom product endorsements, such as Cue Sports “Obama-Style Shaft Cleaner and Conditioner,” or Aramith’s “Obama 2012 Ball Restoring Formula.”

Pennsylvania Legislature to Residents: Frack You!

That’s right, Pennsylvania residents: your legislature just approved legislation that will pretty much remove all regulation of hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, in your state. Start filling your water jugs now!

State and local lawmakers in Pennsylvania have been trying to agree on how to regulate the development of the Marcellus Shale, a giant gas deposit under a large swath of Pennsylvania, New York and Ohio. In Pennsylvania, the industry is booming, and those who support the bill say it is high time to streamline government’s approach to it.

Seemingly, modest tax revenue in exchange for massive pollution was the “streamlined approach.” As with any legislation that promises environmental devastation in exchange for cash, there are supporters and detractors. Supporters of the legislation claim that the limitations on the industry’s presence near occupied buildings is a solid environmental control; detractors claim that the legislation leaves local governments toothless in the face of ravenous mining interests, and that the “law limits it in densely populated urban areas, but not in suburban spaces,” which probably means that little Timmy is going to fall into a vein in the earth, not a well.

No matter what happens, residents of Pennsylvania are now in for some hot, pressurized fluid on rock layer action.

The GOP is Apparently in Charge of Greek Immigration Policy

In some seriously weird news, the Greek government has decided to build a six-mile razor-wire fence along their border with Turkey. According to Minister of Citizen Protection* (I love that this is a job title in Greece) Christos Papoutsis, the “fence will be coupled with a network of fixed night-vision cameras providing real-time video to a new command center.”

Apparently, 300 Spartans were not available.

*This has been edited to reflect updated information; the NY Times article incorrectly reported Mr. Papoutsis’s title, as he is the Minister for Citizen Protection, not the Minister of Public Order. Thank you, Heidi!

Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals is Also Totally Gay for Gay Marriage

Today, in a ruling that will likely prompt the Supreme Court to weigh in on the issue, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals struck down California’s ban of gay marriage as unconstitutional. Judge Reinhold– I mean Reinhardt– wrote in his decision the following sensible words:

“Although the Constitution permits communities to enact most laws they believe to be desirable, it requires that there be at least a legitimate reason for the passage of a law that treats different people differently,” Judge Stephen Reinhardt wrote in the decision. “There was no such reason that Proposition 8 could have been enacted.”

“All that Proposition 8 accomplished was to take away from same sex-couples the right to be granted marriage licenses and thus legally to use the designation ‘marriage,” the judge wrote, adding: “Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gay men and lesbians in California.”

In 2008, after unsuccessfully petitioning the California Supreme Court to ban gay marriage, the dark masters of all that is annoying and spiteful in America succeeded in adding Proposition 8 to the ballot; after a lengthy barrage of stupid commercials and bad rhetoric, the measure passed and the California Constitution was amended to deny same-sex couples a pretty basic civil right.

Clearly this decision is a step in the right direction, but some activists fear that the current Supreme Court will Bork the shit out of this Ninth Circuit decision, given the Supreme Court’s dastardly conservative activist wing. They are probably right; however, it’s always possible the Court will decide not to hear the case. Whatever happens, we can hope that reason triumphs.

Oh, wait…this is America. Nevermind.

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