Republican Wig Model Karen Handel Resigns from Komen

Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Karen Handel has resigned from her position of Vice President for Public Policy at Susan G. Komen for the Cure:

“I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,” Handel said in her letter. “I openly acknowledge my role in the matter and continue to believe our decision was the best one for Komen’s future and the women we serve.”

According to Handel, the policy, which was to remove funding from the Planned Parenthood organization, was “fully vetted” by the Komen organization, and no one had any problems. Subtext: “Thanks for throwing me under the bus for a policy that we all agreed one that one time. I appreciate it.”

There has been no word as to whether Handel will return to professional wig modeling.

Five Former Mayors of Anchorage Have Been Replaced by Robots

Perhaps that’s unfair, but it’s always strange to see any Alaskan politician doing something decent. And just what decent thing are these former mayors doing? Well, they’re backing a ballot measure that would prohibit discrimination against the LGBT community.

“This isn’t a Democratic thing or a Republican thing, it’s just simply the right thing,” said Mystrom, who served as mayor from 1994 to 2000.

Mystrom was a Republican mayor; not surprisingly, he’s the only one Republican supporting it. The other mayors are Jack Roderick, Matt Claman, Tony Knowles and U.S. Sen. Mark Begich. Tom Fink and George Wuerch declined their support, because they’re assholes. Seriously; I sat next to Wuerch on a plane once, and he was reading the Annals of the Bohemian Club. That’s right, a Goddamn yearbook for an elite gentlemen’s society in San Francisco. Which, considering his political affiliation, and that club’s location, is a bit surprising. Now that I think about it, he was listening to “Relax” on his Discman. Damn log cabin Republicans!

Anyway, these mayors should be applauded for their support of this measure, because let’s face it–Anchorage can be a pretty shitty place for a member of the LGBT community sometimes.

Gangy and Pop-Pop to Get Busy and Freaky, In that Order

Yes, in terrible news that you don’t want to hear, STD rates among baby boomers are rising like a well-prepared souffle (ha! I defy your expectations!):

Data collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows that there were 706 cases of syphilis diagnosed among U.S. adults aged 45-54 in 2000 and 179 in those aged 55-64; by 2010 the numbers had risen to 2,056 and 493, respectively.

A similar increase was seen in cases of Chlamydia. In 2010, there were 16,106 in the 45-54 age group diagnosed with the Chlamydia, versus 5,601 in 2000, and 1,110 cases in adults aged 55-64 in 2000, compared with 3,523 in 2010.

Comparable numbers were noted among Canadian and British seniors.

Perhaps most amusing is the author’s* speculation on why this wave of genital grunginess is plaguing baby boomers:

Maybe it’s the Viagra. Maybe it’s the fact that most seniors never had “sex-ed” in high school. Or maybe it’s that more and more seniors are living in retirement communities, social hotspots for swinging single seniors. But regardless, STD rates are soaring among seniors.

Yes, it’s true: there are swinging clubs for seniors, places with rooms named “Granny’s Gloryhole” where the words “Hot Carl” and “Rusty Trombone” don’t refer to men or musical instruments. Let that plague your nightmares in the years to come.

Even Freddy Krueger would GTFO of that nightmare.

*Not the author(s) of the study

Redbox Will Destroy Netflix By Becoming Netflix

Netflix saw their stock drop today as Verizon and Coinstar (Coinstar owns Redbox) announced a joint venture that would allow customers to do the unthinkable: stream movies and also rent them. Why has something so simple never been tried before?! Oh, wait…

According to the news release, the offering will “allow all consumers across the U.S. to enjoy the new and popular entertainment they want, whenever they choose, using the media and devices they prefer.”

This is completely unlike Netflix, which only allows you to enjoy a predetermined selection using the media and devices that have been enabled to access that content, thus operating within the bounds of logic.

I don’t know about you, but I think this is pure genius. Everyone hates Netflix now, and soon enough their company will be circling the drain (shareholders will likely be settling for hard rolls with ketchup inside, not whole sandwiches); when they’re about to go broke, this new venture will swoop in, buy their content for cheap, and replace them. Then, they’ll change the name to Fetnlix, and everyone will love it!

It’s a pretty Goddamn solid plan, if you ask me.

Ron Paul: Kindly Country Doctor or Potential Leon Czolgosz?

If you’re relying on this ambivalent article from the New York Times, the answer is definitely in the air. Whether you love or hate Ron Paul, there is no doubt that he is a fascinating guy; seemingly, he loves weed and peace and freedom, but he tempers that with healthy doses of irrelevant economic thought, racism, and genuinely crazy rigidness. How does one become a paradoxical patron of Hayekian hubris? Rosebud…

The Birth of a Legend

Ron Paul was born a straight shooter with upper-management potential. Of that there is no doubt. He has the classic credentials: vague family histories of an evil Europe that would love nothing more than to smother the baby of freedom under a blanket of tyranny; a strict upbringing that encouraged hard work and character development; and a drive to be honest and fair and baseball and apple pie and ice cream and blah blah blah:

From a young age, Ron, the third of five, and his four brothers earned pennies picking raspberries that their grandfather, a farmer, sold in Pittsburgh, and plucking dirty milk bottles from the crates of empties in their basement. Yet they saw their parents let customers short on cash slide on paying their bills for months at a time.

Ron Paul didn’t have Facebook or Sock Hops or Sadie Hawkins’s Dances or any of that crap to distract him from being an upright citizen. Moreover, he learned a valuable lesson about the free market early on:

Wartime rationing also left a mark. When he saw a local butcher shop ignoring the rules on Saturdays and selling “all the meat you wanted, at a price,” Mr. Paul wrote, it was “my first real-life experience in the free market solving problems generated by government mischief.”

I’m not really sure I see the lesson in flouting the law to make an extra buck (it kind of seems like that butcher was screwing his customers), but it’s this kind of thing that sticks in a man’s mind and helps him form an ideology. Especially if he loves steak, and he wouldn’t have gotten a steak otherwise.

The Hero’s Journey

But Ron Paul wasn’t destined to be a small-time country bumpkin, spinning philosophies from his porch and shooting varmints and cursing immigrants; no sir, his all-American athletic ability put him on a different track. Sadly, however, his honesty ruined his chances at the University of Pittsburgh (he was offered an athletic scholarship, but declined because he had an injury that he believed would make it difficult for him to compete), so he went to Gettysburg College instead, working his way through and supporting himself by the sweat of his brow. I can practically see the eagles crying!

After college, Ron Paul decided to pursue a medical degree at Duke, and this is where his zany political ideas galvanized with bad art:

At the Duke School of Medicine, the Pauls had the first two of their five children. But even with the demands of medical school and a family, Mr. Paul found time to plow through “Atlas Shrugged” and “Doctor Zhivago,” new best sellers that would inspire generations of conservatives and libertarians.

If the Ron Paul who had arrived at Gettysburg was a bundle of visceral conservative political impulses in search of an intellectual framework, he found it at Duke through his extracurricular reading.

He also began his love affair with the Austrian School of Economics, and Friedrich Hayek. This seems to be the turning point in Paulian histrionics:

Fellow medical students, too, still remember his exhortations about the gold standard and the encroaching welfare state. “He believed in not too much federal government,” said Siegfried Smith, a classmate. “And this was a time when we didn’t have a lot.”

Yet politics was still some time away; first, Ron Paul would intern in Detroit, serve two years as a flight surgeon in San Antonio, and then perform his OB/GYN residency in Pittsburgh. It was there that he would cement his opinions on abortion (an opinion that rankles many individuals as it seems in direct contradiction with his stance on personal freedom). After a few years of annoying his colleagues in Pittsburgh and forcing them to speculate on his membership in the John Birch Society for Assholes, Ron Paul would return to Texas to take over the practice of a retiring doctor. And it is with this practice that he turned toward his political destiny.

The Hero’s Return

The final straw for Dr. Paul was Nixon’s abandonment of the Gold Standard in 1971; after a few years of buying up gold, Dr. Paul ran for a congressional seat in 1974 and lost; he then won in a special election in 1976, and we’ve been stuck with him ever since.

Ron Paul’s opinions haven’t changed in decades, if ever; he writes wacky newsletters and engages in conspiracy theorizing; he insists that Americans deny globalism and forget about engaging internationally. Is he an echo of the assassin Leon Czolgosz? Czolgosz was a hard-working Republican, too; moreover, he was seemingly influenced by the wacky ideas of a few ideologues. Arguably, experience alone differentiates the two men; were it not for Czolgosz’s negative experiences with corporate interests, he might have been Representative Czolgosz (probably not, though–that last name is hard as fuck to pronounce).

I think their differing paths is illustrative of the problem with Ron Paul. He is seemingly incapable of abstracting from his own experience; moreover, he seems incapable of analyzing his own ideologies. He lacks the recursive eye of a genuine philosopher and instead possesses the rigid stare of the ideologue. Counterfactualizing experience is part of empathy, and empathy is a necessary quality in a leader.

Also, youth. Ron Paul is way too fucking old to be president.

The American Constitution’s Popularity is Waning; Other Constitutions No Longer Care What Music it Listens To or What Clothes it Wears

The popularity of the American constitution is apparently on a decline, as indicated by its influence over the drafting of new constitutions (over the last 70 years). At least, that’s what a forthcoming study in the New York University Law Review will argue:

The study, to be published in June in The New York University Law Review, bristles with data. Its authors coded and analyzed the provisions of 729 constitutions adopted by 188 countries from 1946 to 2006, and they considered 237 variables regarding various rights and ways to enforce them.

“Among the world’s democracies,” Professors Law and Versteeg concluded, “constitutional similarity to the United States has clearly gone into free fall. Over the 1960s and 1970s, democratic constitutions as a whole became more similar to the U.S. Constitution, only to reverse course in the 1980s and 1990s.

“The turn of the twenty-first century, however, saw the beginning of a steep plunge that continues through the most recent years for which we have data, to the point that the constitutions of the world’s democracies are, on average, less similar to the U.S. Constitution now than they were at the end of World War II.”

Yes, it would seem that the American Constitution is about a decade away from being denied its seat at the cool kids table; no longer will it be invited to the awesome Constitution parties that those South American constitutions are always throwing. And I heard a rumor that no one is going to show up to it’s birthday party this summer, either.

But what constitution shall replace that storied bit of paper scrawled on by the hands of slave-owning oligarchs?

Mr. Barak [a noted legal scholar and former President of the Israeli Supreme Court], for his part, identified a new constitutional superpower: “Canadian law,” he wrote, “serves as a source of inspiration for many countries around the world.” The new study also suggests that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, adopted in 1982, may now be more influential than its American counterpart.

The Canadian Charter is both more expansive and less absolute. It guarantees equal rights for women and disabled people, allows affirmative action and requires that those arrested be informed of their rights. On the other hand, it balances those rights against “such reasonable limits” as “can be demonstrably justified in a free and democratic society.”

Good Lord, Canada? Really? What kind of a sissy constitution guarantees women and criminals equal rights? What is the world coming to? Luckily, noted anthropomorphized horse rectum Antonin Scalia weighed in on this issue:

“The bill of rights of the former evil empire, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was much better than ours,” he said, adding: “We guarantee freedom of speech and of the press. Big deal. They guaranteed freedom of speech, of the press, of street demonstrations and protests, and anyone who is caught trying to suppress criticism of the government will be called to account. Whoa, that is wonderful stuff!”

“Of course,” Justice Scalia continued, “it’s just words on paper, what our framers would have called a ‘parchment guarantee.’”

Goddamn right! Those other constitutions don’t have the balls to enforce their provisions! You want a constitution with balls? Then you want the American Constitution! What are you gonna do when Constitution-mania runs wild all over you?!

It’s Late, and I Insist that You Bask in the Awesomeness of Roxette

‘Nuff said.

Annoying Guy at Super Bowl Halftime Doing Annoying Things is Sure to Become an Annoying Internet Sensation

Ah, the Internet; she giveth awesome cat videos and she taketh time. But why stop at cat videos? Now the Internet (and Madonna, that crusty hag) has given us Sketchy Andy, the annoying douche doing annoying things you saw during the halftime show at the Super Bowl.

Those annoying things are called “slacklining,” and not surprisingly, come to us from enclave of douchey annoyingness Boulder, Colorado. So get ready for the insane amount of attention this is about to receive, people; I suggest that you gird yourself with spiritous liquors, and perhaps a video from 90s pop sensation Londonbeat. Why Londonbeat, you ask? Did you even watch the video? Or were you too busy looking up that fucking douche Sketchy Andy on YouTube to bother?

Whatever, Londonbeat doesn’t need your approval to be awesome.

New York Giants Win Hominid Potato-Throwing Contest!

That’s right, the New York Giants, a team of burly hominids, defeated the less burly team of hominids, the New England Patriots, in a four-hour potato-throwing contest.

There is no word yet from the King of Potatoes on whether the featured potato in tonight’s struggle will be awarded the honor of becoming a delicious mash.

Ron Paul Loves an Underdog (But Not that Stupid Cartoon–That Was For Commies)

There are many pressing issues facing Americans: health care policy, how to deal with Iran obtaining nuclear weapons, whether Lindsey Lohan is really a terrible person, etc. Also, the Super Bowl, which I’m told is a contest between male hominids to see who can fling a potato the most times within six hours (with commercial breaks).

Fortunately, as with any of the above topics, including the Super Bowl, Ron Paul Kenobi has weighed in:

Given the relative lack of Austrian economic discussion present in Super Bowl commentary, I’m surprised that Ron Paul Kenobi lent us his insight. In any event, it’s one of the few times where he actually doesn’t sound crazy. So treasure this moment, people. It won’t happen again.

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