All the Epic Battles in the Post-Apocalyptic Future Will Occur on an Arctic Supercontinent

Many eons from now, after evolution has split mankind into warring factions of psychic kings, warrior-empaths, and barbarian hordes, there will be war on the supercontinent Amasia. Because apparently, that’s where all of our descendants will be living.

Scientists used to believe that this supercontinent would form and occupy a space similar to Pangea’s (or 180 degrees away from it–supercontinental drift is not as precise as we’d like it to be). But now they believe that this supercontinent will form over the Arctic Ocean:

“The fusion of North and South America together will close the Caribbean Sea and meet Eurasia at the present-day North Pole,” said Ross Nelson Mitchell, a geologist at Yale University, who worked on the study as part of his doctoral research.

“And Australia is moving north, and would probably snuggle to join Asia somewhere between India and Japan,” he added.

We’ll not be around to enjoy it (unless some of you are immortals and the gathering happens in the distant future), but I bet those post-apocalyptic battles are going to be intense. Just imagine the psychic kings shooting mind lasers and the barbarian hordes flinging axes and yelling in some language that’s a distant cousin to a descendant of Mandarish-Francokaans–I smell a blockbuster!

This summer, only one man can stop the evil that plagues the minds of men from conquering Amasia: join Qichrosjornx on an epic journey as he leads his tribe from the coasts of Xaoricvaile to the High Kingdom of Manluxiq’aa’sh to put down the Evil Psychic Emperor once and for all. Blood will be spilled, boobs will be shown, and a new hero will emerge to lead what remains of the human race into the future.

Skynet Declares Victory in Nevada

That’s right folks, Skynet’s T-1150 “Romneybot” has won the Nevada caucuses (sorry Ron Paul Kenobi–hit the next YT-1300 to Mos Eisley and GTFO!). In between updating his operating system and running system diagnostics on his detailed human anatomy files, Mittensus (Skynet’s nickname for the T-1150 model) had this to say:

“This is not the first time you’ve given me your vote of confidence, and this time I’m going to take it to the White House,” he said as the crowd chanted his name. And he delivered a harsh critique of Mr. Obama: “This week he’s been trying to take a bow for 8.3 percent unemployment. Not so fast, Mr. President.”

Yes, it would seem that Mittensus is implying here that he will lower the unemployment rate further, or perhaps attempt to change the definition of the words “unemployment” or “bad.”

At any rate, expect to be rounded up, experimented on, and perhaps duplicated in an attempt to lure out the survivors of the Romneypocalypse. At the very least expect more boring platitudes about personal responsibility and values.

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