The Time Has Come to Start Liking PCs Ironically

That’s right, trend-spotters: if you want to be in on the next big thing, it’s time to slap a pair of skinny jeans and Ray-Bans on your desktop computer. Because according to Apple CEO Tim Cook, with the rise of the tablet, your PC just became your most irony-worthy accessory. And he’s not alone:

His forecast has backing from a growing number of analysts and veteran technology industry executives, who contend that the torrid growth rates of the iPad, combined with tablet competition from the likes of Amazon.com and Microsoft, make a changing of the guard a question of when, not if.

This is especially relevant given that Apple’s holiday tablet sales accounted for 40% more revenue than their Mac sales. And as many of you already know, the next iteration of the iPad is nearly here; Apple has planned a press event for March 7, and they’re expected to announce the latest features and improvements.

There is good news, however: PCs still outsell tablets by a wide margin, so you have time to fashion your clever PoMo stance toward that bulky porn-viewing device on your desk. But don’t take too long, because the competition brewing in the tablet market is sure to drive the Curve right to your doorstep.

And when the Curve arrives, if your computer is being used for anything other than some ironic spreadsheet viewing, you’re going to find it very hard indeed to get a table at that gin cooperative down the street.

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It Turns Out that it’s Pretty Easy to Steal that Sex Video You Made on Your iPhone

Oh, but of course you never made a sex video on your iPhone. And you definitely didn’t take any pictures of you dressed as sexy Queen Victoria with duckface, either. It’s just cat photos and pictures of flowers on your iPhone and iPad, isn’t it? Well, then, this won’t disturb you at all!

Developers of applications for Apple’s mobile devices, along with Apple itself, came under scrutiny this month after reports that some apps were taking people’s address book information without their knowledge.

As it turns out, address books are not the only things up for grabs. Photos are also vulnerable. After a user allows an application on an iPhone, iPad or iPod Touch to have access to location information, the app can copy the user’s entire photo library, without any further notification or warning, according to app developers.

And you thought having an Imam in your address book was bad! Allow David Chen, an app developer and co-founder of Curio, to outline the Orwellian implications for you:

“Conceivably, an app with access to location data could put together a history of where the user has been based on photo location…”

“…The location history, as well as your photos and videos, could be uploaded to a server. Once the data is off of the iOS device, Apple has virtually no ability to monitor or limit its use.”

Yes, it would seem that after a relatively benign message about using your “location data” an app would gain access to your entire photo library.

I’ll give you a few moments to delete all those “cat photos” from your phone, perv.

iPad 3! iPad 3! iPad 3!

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’d like to discuss the current debates regarding the payroll tax cut. I’m kidding! Who cares about tax cuts and politics and things that affect domestic policy when fresh iPad 3 rumors abound?

Today, the Atlantic Wire collected a few rumors about the iPad 3 that it believes might be true:

1. The iPad 3 will have a smaller counterpart with an 8-inch screen.

This should please the hyper-minimalists; although one would suspect that instead of an iPad 3 they’ll be holding a locally sourced notecard, or something similar. Does the WSJ come on notecards? It should.

2. The iPad 3 will utilize 4G LTE networks.

That’s right–in certain markets your daily doses of sexy Chivers and hilarious cat videos will download with lightning speed.

3. The iPad 3 will be released on March 7th.

That’s only a few weeks away! So get in line now, nerds!

Your iPad Will Be Obsolete in March

Well, maybe not obsolete, but certainly not cutting-edge. Yes, it would seem that Apple is going to announce the launch of the iPad 3 in early March, with sales beginning as early as the week following the announcement. But what of its features, you ask?

The rumor mongers don’t expect the tablet to look much different than the iPad 2. “Sources say it will be pretty much what we’ve been led to expect by the innumerable reports leading up to its release,” writes Paczkowski. “A device similar in form factor to the iPad 2, but running a much faster chip, sporting an improved graphics processing unit, and featuring a 2048×1536 Retina Display — or something close to it.”

In other words, don’t regift your iPad 2 just yet–it may have some use in the future, and since it will look similar to an iPad 3, you can fool judgmental nerds on the subway!

God Just Asked Apple for Some Cash

Yes, it seems to be official: after stunning quarterly sales, Apple has more money than God.

When asked what happened to the pecuniam divine, God reportedly shrugged and claimed that “the recession hit me kind of hard–I didn’t really expect to take a bath on all those condo developments.”

Meanwhile, Apple has not confirmed whether they will grant the Lord a loan: “His credit is solid, but we have some serious questions about some of His spending choices–I mean, really, what does God need with a replica star ship?”

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