Willy v. Sea World

On Monday a San Diego judge will consider arguments in what will likely be a landmark case in the Court of Whales. Also, the court of humans. According to PETA (like you’re surprised that they’re involved), this case is a step in the right direction:

PETA claims the captured killer whales are treated like slaves for being forced to live in tanks and perform daily at its parks in San Diego and Orlando.

“This case is on the next frontier of civil rights,” said PETA’s attorney Jeffrey Kerr, representing the five orcas.

Not surprisingly, Sea World’s lawyer does not share PETA’s enthusiasm:

Sea World’s attorney Theodore Shaw called the lawsuit a waste of the court’s time and resources. He said it defies common sense and goes against 125 years of case law applied to the Constitution’s 13th amendment that prohibits slavery between humans.

“With all due respect, the court does not have the authority to even consider this question,” Shaw said, adding later: “Neither orcas nor any other animal were included in the `We the people’ … when the Constitution was adopted.”

Judge Miller, the poor bastard who lost this round of calendar roulette, said he would take the arguments under advisement and issue a ruling later; however, he did express doubt that whales had standing to be plaintiffs.

Not surprisingly, this drew the ire of certain high-profile members of the whale community:

Well said, Shamu.

Drinking Game of Thrones

This post would be a lot better if it was actually about George R.R. Martin’s astounding A Song of Ice and Fire, but alas, it’s not, so deal with it. There’s a solid drinking game based on the series here, or perhaps here, and several worthy suggestions here.

Now that we’ve got that business sorted, on to the purpose of the post: yesterday was Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee, which is where the reigning British monarch is fed diamonds until she exhales a crystalline gas, which is collected, bottled, and sold to cure impotence. Also, it makes a delicious gourmet Sweet Tart.

And since The Daily Beast was kind enough to offer us a little slide show, I thought it would only be right (especially since I don’t have HBO and need some sort of monarchy/throne-based drinking game) to throw back a few sips in honor of a British old lady I’ve never met. Thus, I present:

The Daily Beast Slide Show of Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee Drinking Game

Take 1 drink if you see Queen Elizabeth; take 2 if she’s young; 3 if she’s jubilant
Take 2 drinks if you see Prince Phillip
Take 2 drinks if she’s wearing a hat
Take 2 drinks if she’s near a motor vehicle
Finish your beer if she’s with the late Candle in the Wind
Take 1 drink if the photo is in black and white
Take 1 drink for the obligatory advertisement
Take 2 drinks if she appears to be posing for a catalog
Take 1 drink for a pet or for children
Take 1 drink if she appears to be constipated
Take 2 drinks if she’s riding around in a ridiculous gold carriage

Repeat the slide show as many times as is necessary for you to become inebriated, or for you to appreciate the monarchy.

It’s Late, and I Insist that You Bask in the Awesomeness of Roxette

‘Nuff said.

Super Bikini Coffee Party!

Having lived in Anchorage, I was well aware of the “hot women selling coffee in modified trailers” trend. Hell, there was even a news story about it on Channel 2 once upon a time. That’s like Hollywood for Alaska!

However, I’ve been away for some time and I did not realize that the Singularity had appeared, thus codifying years of hot-chick-in-a-trailer-selling-coffee evolution by reducing the amount of clothing required. Now, hot chicks sell coffee while wearing bikini tops! And sometimes lingerie! And it’s cold outside, so you can imagine what happens when that cold air hits! Huzzah!

Natasha Thompson, the genius behind Java Junction (and Lingerie Friday), realized during a downturn in business that sex sells. Please do not confuse her with Don Draper, the fictional advertising genius. According to Thompson,

“Women can be astronauts, women can be firemen, women can make coffee in bikinis,” she said standing in the cart in her “Alaska Girls Kick Ass” shirt. “We can do anything we want.”

Suck on that, Gloria Steinem.

One of her employees, Ashley Holder, a former business student at UAA, has apparently quit several times, citing the outfit at least once. However, Ms. Holder’s other job as a receptionist for a funeral home just did not break the fun barrier:

That was all death and sadness, she said. It made her cry and think about her parents getting old.

So she returned to the coffee cart, where according to ace reporter Julia O’Malley, “it smells like coffee and coconut belly balm.”

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