No, Seattle Will Not Be Renamed “amazon.seattle.com”

Well, it would seem that a portion of downtown Seattle is about to become headquarters to Amazon, purveyors of everything in the known universe (and three other universes, pending a merger):

Amazon.com Inc. is purchasing property in central Seattle with plans to construct about 3 million square feet of office space, a move that could have the online retail bellwether owning its corporate headquarters for the first time amid dramatic expansion.

Amazon is buying three large contiguous blocks in central Seattle—a short walk south of where it leases its current headquarters—from Clise Properties Inc.

The property company declined to specify the price Amazon paid for the space, but you can rest assured that it’s more money than you will ever see in your life, or, if reincarnation proves true, the thousand lifetimes awaiting you after this one.

Let’s just hope that if Seattle faces a similar situation to Jefferson County, Alabama, that Amazon will lease back portions of the city to current residents at favorable rates.

Maybe they’ll offer discounts to Prime members!

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Pinterest Will Destroy Your Business

Well, that’s a bit hyperbolic. In fact, there are ways in which Pinterest might help your business grow. But there are also ways that Pinterest might get your ass sued by someone who’s slightly pissed that you gave away the rights to their content without permission:

Unlike other social media services, when you ‘pin’ something on Pinterest, you automatically upload an (at least) medium-sized version of the related image to the service. Exceptions for publishers of user-generated content protect Pinterest, but they don’t protect you. Unless you know you have a “worldwide, irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, royalty-free license,” you’d better tread carefully.

You see, Pinterest’s fine print contains the possibility that you’ll be massively screwed if you use content that you don’t have permission to give away; this is understandable, since it would seem that Pinterest can do whatever the hell they want with the image you pin to their sight.

So be careful, all you users of Pinterest. Also, stop pinning pictures of doughnuts and cakes and assorted savory items–some of us are watching our girlish figures!

iPad 3! iPad 3! iPad 3!

Now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’d like to discuss the current debates regarding the payroll tax cut. I’m kidding! Who cares about tax cuts and politics and things that affect domestic policy when fresh iPad 3 rumors abound?

Today, the Atlantic Wire collected a few rumors about the iPad 3 that it believes might be true:

1. The iPad 3 will have a smaller counterpart with an 8-inch screen.

This should please the hyper-minimalists; although one would suspect that instead of an iPad 3 they’ll be holding a locally sourced notecard, or something similar. Does the WSJ come on notecards? It should.

2. The iPad 3 will utilize 4G LTE networks.

That’s right–in certain markets your daily doses of sexy Chivers and hilarious cat videos will download with lightning speed.

3. The iPad 3 will be released on March 7th.

That’s only a few weeks away! So get in line now, nerds!

Hasbro Promises to Ruin All of Your Childhood Memories Through the Medium of Film

Yes, Hasbro Studios will destroy any fondness you may have once felt for the toys of your childhood by whoring them out until they die, wheezing and broken, on the side of Mulholland Drive:

To expand into television, Hasbro formed a production company, Hasbro Studios, and joined with Discovery Communications in 2010 to create the Hub, a TV channel with programming based on Hasbro toys and games. Ratings have been steadily increasing; the number of viewers grew 16 percent in January over the same period the year before.

The idea was to expand on Hasbro’s most popular properties.

Allow me to translate that last part for you: “We’d like to fist your memories and make you regret ever playing with our gender-normative toys.”

Even Stretch Armstrong. Which is going to get a movie, apparently. Did you know that Hasbro also owns Wizards of the Coast? That’s right, nerds: your beloved Magic cards and Dungeons & Dragons are going to suffer the same fate as G.I. Joe and Transformers (although the D&D movie did come out long before G.I. Joe–so I guess those poor bastards already got it).

I suggest busting out your old toys from storage and giving them a rousing send off by playing with them one last time and then setting them on fire.

After that, you should get drunk and have yourself a nice cry.

And This Little Piggy Said “Hooray, I Don’t Have to Suffer in a Sow Stall”!

McDonald’s recently announced that it will aid its suppliers in phasing out so-called “sow stalls,” which house pregnant pigs and have been decried as inhumane:

“McDonald’s believes gestation stalls are not a sustainable production system for the future,” Dan Gorsky, senior vice president for supply chain management for McDonald’s North America, said in a statement. “There are alternatives we think are better for the welfare of sows.”

Several states have banned have banned the use of restrictive crates by the meat and poultry industry, but with McDonald’s lending their purchasing power, animal-rights activists think the practice is nearing its end.

There’s no word yet on whether states will ban the tiny crates that are used to pen humans, commonly known as “offices.”

Georgia Will Host the American Nuclear Apocalypse

That’s right, folks: the Nuclear Regulatory Commission just voted to allow construction on two nuclear reactors in Georgia! I’m told that the pro-mutant lobby, led by one Magneto, Master of Magnetism, was instrumental in securing this victory:

“American Homo sapiens shall kneel before Homo superior! The future belongs to mutants!”

Naturally, Paul Bowers, the president of Georgia Power, the company that will oversee the multi-billion dollar project, was also pleased; his company applied for the license over four years ago.

The vote, however, was not unanimous, and the sole voice of dissent expressed his concerns that the lessons of Fukushima had not been learned:

He said the license would not assure that all of the safety improvements sought by the agency in response to Japan’s Fukushima disaster would be accomplished before the reactors begin operating in 2016 and 2017.

“I cannot support issuing this license as if Fukushima had never happened,” said Mr. Jaczko, who is frequently at odds with his fellow commissioners.

When asked what he thought of Mr. Jaczko’s “no” vote, Magneto flew into a rage and crushed a nearby Ford Focus into a tiny ball, which he then hurled into the stratosphere using his mastery of magnetism.

The project is expected to add at least a few thousand jobs to the currently existing plant; after expansion, the nuclear complex at Vogtle will be largest in the country. According to Magneto this is a clear win for the economy:

“Earn your petty dollars now, inferior beings; soon the moment of the mutants shall be upon you!”

Sadly, the Government Does Not Appear to be Interested in Killer Robots

If you were longing for the day when armies of metal titans would roam the battlefield, breathing fire and shooting lasers from their hands, I’ve got some bad news for you: the military is cutting spending on its killer robots.

iRobot, the company that makes DJ Roomba, announced last week that its largest portion of revenue, military contracts, would take a substantial hit. Subsequently, their stock fell by nearly a third of its value. But iRobot is not out of the picture just yet:

…the company issued new guidance, saying it expects the government side of its business to take a 20 percent hit in 2012, due to a combination of reduced defense budget growth, and a slowing of new projects during an election year. IRobot expects its revenues to shift from a breakdown of 40 percent government and industrial and 60 percent consumer, to 30 percent government and industrial and 70 percent consumer.

Hopefully, consumer robotics will keep the company afloat until such time as we have a Republican in office who isn’t afraid to spend some money on killer robots. Damn Democrat peace loving fruitcakes! Their aversion to war is killing the tech sector!

Dunkin’ Donuts Will Now Eat Your Sandwich For You

With business booming, and more and more gullets being filled by delicious cakey treats and sausages encased with dough, Dunkin’ is looking for ways to trim the wait time for their delicious products:

Demand for the sandwiches is increasing “virtually month by month,” CEO Nigel Travis said. As anyone knows who orders one, the relatively time-consuming task of heating bacon and eggs to put on toast can slow the line for people ordering standard quick-service items like doughnuts and coffee.

“I drive by Dunkin’ Donuts every day, and the drive-through is stacked up with cars,” Travis said. “I realize, hey, we run a great business, and second we’ve got to find ways to speed up our service.”

Yes, waiting a few extra moments for a greasy breakfast sandwich is truly agonizing; moreso if you’re forced to do in the climate-controlled space of your own automobile, instead of queuing in the actual store with the plebes and hobos. Luckily for you, however, Travis claims that Dunkin’ is on track to offer sandwiches twice as fast! Hooray!

Now go get a doughnut. You know you want to!

Redbox Will Destroy Netflix By Becoming Netflix

Netflix saw their stock drop today as Verizon and Coinstar (Coinstar owns Redbox) announced a joint venture that would allow customers to do the unthinkable: stream movies and also rent them. Why has something so simple never been tried before?! Oh, wait…

According to the news release, the offering will “allow all consumers across the U.S. to enjoy the new and popular entertainment they want, whenever they choose, using the media and devices they prefer.”

This is completely unlike Netflix, which only allows you to enjoy a predetermined selection using the media and devices that have been enabled to access that content, thus operating within the bounds of logic.

I don’t know about you, but I think this is pure genius. Everyone hates Netflix now, and soon enough their company will be circling the drain (shareholders will likely be settling for hard rolls with ketchup inside, not whole sandwiches); when they’re about to go broke, this new venture will swoop in, buy their content for cheap, and replace them. Then, they’ll change the name to Fetnlix, and everyone will love it!

It’s a pretty Goddamn solid plan, if you ask me.

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