Catholics Hate When You Force Your Beliefs on Them While They’re Forcing Their Beliefs on Others

Alas, it would seem that both irony and logic are lost on Catholics, because while the Church bemoans the health care mandate that would only ask them to provide health care services to their employees (God forbid!), they are slowly taking over some of the nation’s hospitals and quietly doing away with contraceptive services that are not aligned with Church doctrine. Luckily, this is mostly a problem for women, and who gives a shit about them? Clearly not Catholics.

Thankfully, at least a few doctors expressed concern:

Some doctors fear they may not be able to do what’s best for patients, forced to wait to treat a woman who is miscarrying, for example, or to send a rape victim elsewhere for an emergency contraceptive.

The restrictions at any given hospital may not be clear. “Women simply don’t know what they’re getting,” said Jill C. Morrison, senior counsel in health and reproductive rights at the National Women’s Law Center.

While some might argue that options exist (the woman in desperate need of immediate treatment could always take her whorish ass to the hospital across town), these arguments become problematic in rural communities where the only option is a Catholic hospital. Moreover, one-sixth of all admitted patients were admitted to Catholic hospitals. Freedom of choice is hardly free when you lack options.

Abortions are not the only issue, either; apparently, sterilization procedures such as tubal ligation (and presumably vasectomies) also run afoul of doctrine. The community of Rockford, Illinois has resisted a plan by the Sisters of the Order of St. Francis to consolidate their hospitals because this procedure stands a chance of elimination. According to Dr. Ronald Burmeister, a retired obstetrician, it “would just be an inconvenience to the patient and the physician, who has to make life-and-death decisions.”

There is, however, some hope–one large western Catholic hospital organization decided to restructure and operate some hospitals as secular institutions; thus, those hospitals would not have to follow Church doctrine and could presumably decide to offer contraceptive and sterilization services (as well as in-vitro fertilization, which the Church also opposes).

Obama, let this be a lesson to you: Catholics, and in fact most Christians, hate when you force your secular beliefs on them while they’re trying to force their beliefs on others. It’s just not cool, man–leave them alone while they try to turn America into a nightmarish theocratic state.

Democratic republics make the baby Jesus cry.

Did You Have Sex with Your Girlfriend or Wife Last Night? No? Well, Congratulations: That’s an Abortion

Apparently, the last time a Catholic studied logic Thomas Aquinas was wanking to etchings of Aristotle:

“We object to the use of drugs and procedures used to take the lives of unborn children,” the Rev. Dr. Matthew C. Harrison, president of the Lutheran Church — Missouri Synod, said Thursday at a hearing of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.

Their reasoning is that life begins the moment an egg is fertilized, and that if a contraceptive has the potential to prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterus, it is aborting a life.

This is an odd position. Catholics contend that life begins at the moment of conception, yet also object to pills which prevent conception. Thus, I am forced to believe that Catholics regard any prevention of conception to be an abortion. Thus, when you didn’t have sex with your girlfriend last night, she had an abortion.

That harlot.

Not surprisingly, people versed in “science,” or “magic,” as some theologians would have you believe, disagreed:

Several scientists and doctors said in interviews that this view did not reflect the way the birth control methods actually work. “There’s so much evidence for how these things work prior to fertilization,” said Diana L. Blithe, director of contraceptive development for the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. “And there’s no evidence that they work beyond fertilization.”

I, for one, do not find it terribly surprising that Catholic Bishops were ignoring evidence.

So just remember: every time you don’t have sex with your girlfriend or wife, you’re forcing her to have an abortion. And moreover, every time there’s an abortion, Jesus gets kicked in the nuts. So basically, if you’re not fucking right now, your girlfriend is a whore and you love to kick Jesus in the nuts.

How can you live with yourself?

Not Surprisingly, Catholic Bishops Will Not Compromise on Birth Control

Despite reports of some slightly positive feedback, it would appear the the US Conference of Catholic Bishops will not accept Obama’s compromise. Instead, they will rain down the angry vengeance of St. Zimmazam (a lesser saint, to be sure) upon the White House in a display of their agitation. St. Zimmazam’s powers include minor chafing, web browser malfunctions, and the vague sense that someone smells, causing you to constantly sniff yourself to see if it’s you.

This displeasure did not come as a surprise to the White House:

Administration officials said the White House had never expected to get the bishops’ support, given their absolute opposition to contraception, and was surprised when the initial statement of the bishops conference on Friday was noncommittal and went so far as to call the president’s modification a step in the right direction.

Unfortunately for the Bishops, their showboating has irked some Catholic groups:

However, the bishops are now facing a potential rift with some of their allies who welcomed the compromise yesterday — including Catholic Charities, the Catholic Health Association, which represents Catholic hospitals across the country and individual Catholic Democrats and liberals who had helped persuade the administration to make the change.

Seemingly, this extreme case of what might be flippantly called “butthurt” arises from an alleged unwillingness to consult the Bishops for their help on a compromise; I now doubt that Catholic bishops understand the word “compromise,” because it’s plain that had they weighed in on the matter it would have been a fairly clear-cut “we refuse to pay for birth control.” Which is not a compromise.

I fully expect this round of “how America persecutes Christians” to take us all the way back to Christmas.

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