Santorum Explodes All Over Minnesota’s Caucus

That’s right, folks, it looks like the Santorum Surge isn’t quite finished: Santorum exploded all over the Minnesota caucus, as well as the non-binding Missouri caucus (whatever that means; I don’t feel like looking at Wikipedia right now). He was also running ahead in Colorado, a state that Romney previously carried.

Thus, despite the efforts of Mittensus, it would appear Santorum is surging all over the place. What this means isn’t precisely clear; however, it’s possible Skynet will consider sending reinforcements. At the very least Santorum is proving a viable alternative to Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich for second place; although with such a prominent showing, second place may give way to first as Mittensus is forced to acknowledge the power of Santorum.

Santorum’s message was clear:

“I don’t stand here to claim to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney,” Mr. Santorum said after thanking God for getting him through the “dog days” of the campaign and the illness of his daughter Bella. “I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama.”

Yes, despite Santorum’s daughter’s vampire pregnancy, he will remain a contender. He is determined to demonstrate that Mittensus and Obama are, in fact, the same Kenyan Muslim.

No doubt this news is greatly pleasing to Democrats, because Santorum is functionally retarded, stands no hope of winning the nomination or presidency, and as such he will continue to distract from the GOP’s only viable candidate, Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar.

Skynet Declares Victory in Nevada

That’s right folks, Skynet’s T-1150 “Romneybot” has won the Nevada caucuses (sorry Ron Paul Kenobi–hit the next YT-1300 to Mos Eisley and GTFO!). In between updating his operating system and running system diagnostics on his detailed human anatomy files, Mittensus (Skynet’s nickname for the T-1150 model) had this to say:

“This is not the first time you’ve given me your vote of confidence, and this time I’m going to take it to the White House,” he said as the crowd chanted his name. And he delivered a harsh critique of Mr. Obama: “This week he’s been trying to take a bow for 8.3 percent unemployment. Not so fast, Mr. President.”

Yes, it would seem that Mittensus is implying here that he will lower the unemployment rate further, or perhaps attempt to change the definition of the words “unemployment” or “bad.”

At any rate, expect to be rounded up, experimented on, and perhaps duplicated in an attempt to lure out the survivors of the Romneypocalypse. At the very least expect more boring platitudes about personal responsibility and values.

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