Drill Here, Get Gas

As gas prices climb, Republicans are looking to blame it on Obama, who as we all know, runs the oil companies and also owns every gas station in America. What an asshole!

In a closed-door meeting last week, Speaker John A. Boehner instructed fellow Republicans to embrace the gas-pump anger they find among their constituents when they return to their districts for the Presidents’ Day recess.

“This debate is a debate we want to have,” Mr. Boehner told his conference on Wednesday, according to a Republican aide who was present. “It was reported this week that we’ll soon see $4-a-gallon gas prices. Maybe higher. Certainly, this summer will see the highest gas prices in years. Your constituents saw those reports, and they’ll be talking about it.”

Four dollars! That’s crazy talk! Nowhere in the world pays that much! Except for all of these places.

This strategic embrace of rhetoric could have a negative impact on Obama’s reelection hopes, however, as many Americans are quite gullible (especially the old bastards who should have been Carousel’d long ago–you know, the ones who vote). Obama’s energy policies, according to Republicans, are the real problem:

“They want higher energy prices. They want to push their radical agenda on the public,” Rick Santorum said at a campaign event last week, accusing Democrats of pushing alternatives to oil. “We need a president who is on the side of affordable energy.”

Yes, Obama wants higher energy prices. Presumably because it will anger Americans, and he relies on the anger of Americans to fuel his Muslimtanic baby-killing rituals. That’s why he decided to approve exploration in Arctic waters. Oh, wait, that doesn’t make any fucking sense, does it?

Yes, it would seem that despite Obama’s relatively conservative approach to domestic energy development, he’s still responsible for high domestic energy prices. Personally, I think the Republitards are angry because Obama is a way better Republican president than any of their past choices.

At this point, you’re probably wondering “wait a minute, what about the oil companies? don’t they make billions per quarter? let’s get some of that cash!” Well, shut up about that. If you tax the oil companies, they’ll stop drilling for oil. That’s right, they’ll close up shop on one of the most valuable commodities in the world market and open bakeries in Williamsburg. Where will you get your gas then, chump? Yet one New York representative still insists on pointing out the obvious:

“House Republicans are very good at using every argument they can to shield oil companies from paying their fair share,” said Representative Steve Israel of New York, the chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. “They have been relentless and fearless protectors of oil company profits.”

Regardless of what happens, expect a great many stories on your local news about how the gas prices are too damn high, featuring “real people” at the pump. Hooray, a whole summer full of idiots complaining! Sounds very American.

Georgia Will Host the American Nuclear Apocalypse

That’s right, folks: the Nuclear Regulatory Commission just voted to allow construction on two nuclear reactors in Georgia! I’m told that the pro-mutant lobby, led by one Magneto, Master of Magnetism, was instrumental in securing this victory:

“American Homo sapiens shall kneel before Homo superior! The future belongs to mutants!”

Naturally, Paul Bowers, the president of Georgia Power, the company that will oversee the multi-billion dollar project, was also pleased; his company applied for the license over four years ago.

The vote, however, was not unanimous, and the sole voice of dissent expressed his concerns that the lessons of Fukushima had not been learned:

He said the license would not assure that all of the safety improvements sought by the agency in response to Japan’s Fukushima disaster would be accomplished before the reactors begin operating in 2016 and 2017.

“I cannot support issuing this license as if Fukushima had never happened,” said Mr. Jaczko, who is frequently at odds with his fellow commissioners.

When asked what he thought of Mr. Jaczko’s “no” vote, Magneto flew into a rage and crushed a nearby Ford Focus into a tiny ball, which he then hurled into the stratosphere using his mastery of magnetism.

The project is expected to add at least a few thousand jobs to the currently existing plant; after expansion, the nuclear complex at Vogtle will be largest in the country. According to Magneto this is a clear win for the economy:

“Earn your petty dollars now, inferior beings; soon the moment of the mutants shall be upon you!”

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