Could God Make a Ban So Strong That Even He Couldn’t Defy It?

Yes, the age old questions still persist: could God make a hot dog so big even He couldn’t eat it? Or a rock so heavy even He couldn’t lift it? Or perhaps a persecution complex so strong that even He couldn’t cure it through psychoanalysis? And of course, more pertinently, a ban so strong that even He couldn’t defy it?

On the last Sunday before a city policy went into effect barring religious services in public schools, leaders of congregations around the city expressed a range of responses, with some taking a pragmatic attitude and others vowing to not give up without a fight.

Perhaps, like most of the questions above, God (or one his favored philosophers) will find a workaround to this unfortunate situation. Seemingly, He already has, as many of the congregations that are likely to be displaced have been found new spaces:

Ed Schefter, the pastor of City Bible Church N.Y., which had met at Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis High School on West 46th Street, said he had looked at 25 possible places to relocate and finally found an appropriate space at 43rd Street and Eighth Avenue.

“It’s a huge dance studio — it’s beautiful,” he said. He said that the arrangement was only temporary because the space was not big enough for his growing congregation, but that it at least meant he did not have to worry about his church’s being homeless.

Other congregations might not be so lucky, but at least they’ll still have the good fortune to paint themselves as victims:

“We had a celebration today just for the honor of being worthy enough to be dissed for Jesus,” said the Rev. Sam Andreades, the pastor at the Village Church, which had been using space at Public School 3 on Hudson Street in Greenwich Village. He added that he had not yet found a location for next week’s services.

“Being inconvenienced for worshiping God is a good thing for a Christian, so that’s the way we’re looking at it,” he said.

Yes, folks, it’s true: being a Christian in America is truly a difficult cross to bear.

God Just Asked Apple for Some Cash

Yes, it seems to be official: after stunning quarterly sales, Apple has more money than God.

When asked what happened to the pecuniam divine, God reportedly shrugged and claimed that “the recession hit me kind of hard–I didn’t really expect to take a bath on all those condo developments.”

Meanwhile, Apple has not confirmed whether they will grant the Lord a loan: “His credit is solid, but we have some serious questions about some of His spending choices–I mean, really, what does God need with a replica star ship?”

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