Ron Paul Kenobi and Romneybot Tag Team the GOP Debate, Smearing Santorum Everywhere

I’ve always found it odd that Republicans compete with one another over political rigidity; seemingly, they believe that the candidate who is most inflexible will be the best president. Because no president has ever had to compromise, ever. Also, in their competition they seem to forget that they also govern those who did not vote for them. But fuck those guys, am I right?

In any case, last night’s GOP debate was no different, save for the fact that Ron Paul Kenobi and Romneybot’s budding bromance turned into a WWE-style tag-team effort, which definitely ran wild over poor Rick “The Trick” Santorum:

It was Mr. Santorum’s first time in the cross hairs as a leading candidate, an uncomfortable position that has set back other Republican challengers. He did not recoil or wither under pressure, but he was placed on the defensive again and again, with Mr. Romney and Representative Ron Paul of Texas acting as a tag team in critiquing his record in Congress.

Their power moves were varied:

They criticized his earmarks [BIFF!], his vote for a provision that financed Planned Parenthood [POW!] and his support of the No Child Left Behind law [CRUNCH!], President George W. Bush’s signature education plan now out of favor with conservatives. By the end of the night, the scrutiny seemed to wear on Mr. Santorum, who was taunted with boos when he said he had voted for the education program even though “it was against the principles I believed in.”

Since Santorum has been surging all over Romney’s face in recent weeks, this debate was critical for Romney; thus, he wasted no opportunity to point out Santorum’s flaws. Moreover, despite the fact that most Americans are worried about finding a job, or whether they’ll be able to send their children to college (they won’t), the Republitards took this opportunity to sound out their conservative bona fides on immigration, healthcare, and Romney’s ability to balance a budget:

Mr. Romney played up his status as the only candidate on the stage who had never served in Washington, but Mr. Santorum would not let his rival take credit for balancing the budget as governor of Massachusetts, which is required by state law.

“Don’t go around bragging about something you have to do,” Mr. Santorum said. “Michael Dukakis balanced the budget for 10 years. Does that make him qualified to be president of the United States? I don’t think so.”

Personally, I don’t think a man whose claim to fame is a humorous neologism has much to stand on when criticizing other people’s credentials, but who am I to judge?

Santorum didn’t stand much of a chance against the Iron Bromance, and the night’s most hilarious moment came when Ron Paul Kenobi defended his television ads criticizing Santorum’s legitimacy:

When the moderator asked Mr. Paul why he was running a new television advertisement calling Mr. Santorum “a fake” conservative, Mr. Paul answered simply, “Because he’s a fake.”

“I’m real, I’m real, I’m real,” Mr. Santorum said, shaking his head.

Somehow I don’t think he was quoting J-Lo. Cogito ergo santorum, Rick the Trick.

Romneybot Is the Projected Winner of the Florida Primary

NBC News has just projected that Mitt Romney won Florida by a wide margin. It appears that Gingrich is a distant second, followed but the other GOP candidates, as well as write-in candidates Voldemort, Your Mom, Hugh Jass, Pat McCrotch, and Seymour Butts.

Shocking News: Federal Prison Sentencing Guidelines Disenfranchise Black Men

Recently, the GOP has taken an interest in revamping the Federal Prison Sentencing Guidelines, calling for tougher mandatory minimums with little leeway for the judges to decide an appropriate sentence. Not surprisingly, the current system, fucked by the Supreme Court, allows for greater discretion in sentencing and therefore accidentally disenfranchises black men. Why?

Apparently, the real problem is the bleeding-heart judges who want to be softer on crimes that are traditionally committed by white men: crimes such as corporate fraud and possession of child pornography, for instance. So, while black men commit crimes that judges deem deserving of a harsher sentence, white men get less time for their relatively deplorable crimes. Twenty years is a lot to ask of a guy who went to Harvard and then maybe cheated some people (probably black) out of their retirements. But twenty years is definitely too lenient for Tyrone Biggums–he had some crack in his pocket, after all! And crack is wack!

Nothing about the GOP’s plan could possibly go wrong.

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