Not Technically News, But Still: Transporter 2 is a Seriously Shitty Movie

I mean seriously shitty. Like, Jason Statham should time travel and prevent his agent from agreeing to allow him to do this film. And I’ve only seen 10 minutes so far.

However, I have come to a realization: Jason Statham is the Steven Seagal of the ’00s (aughts). He’s a white dude who knows kicking and punching skills (for no reason), he’s in terrible films that make no sense, and dumb storylines follow him around. It’s like Steven Seagal did a magic ritual and resurrected himself into Jason Statham’s body, even though he was still doing shitty DTV films, and they’d have to split time between their crappy film careers. In fact, this is probably the reason they weren’t in either of the “Expendables” movies together! They are the same person! My headline undersold this.

STEVEN SEAGAL AND JASON STATHAM ARE THE SAME PERSON!

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Buy One Handgun, Get One Free

Virginia’s state senate recently passed a bill that would eliminate the current regulation on handgun sales, and the governor is expected to sign; currently, Virginians are allowed one handgun purchase per month.

The law was originally introduced to prevent smuggling; reportedly, the smuggler’s lobby is very pleased with this legislation. A man wishing to identified as “Han Solo” had this to say:

“I could not be more pleased with the people of Virginia right now. It’s felt like 20 parsecs since I was able to procure crates of handguns for the rebels. As soon as the Governor signs that bill I’ll be back to the Kessel Run. I just hope that Emperor Muslimtine doesn’t try to nix this whole thing.”

Solo also mentioned something about “spice,” which I presume is a narcotic of some sort; from the way he was sniffing I doubt he was talking about cinnamon.

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