Historic Mega Millions Jackpot of $640 Million Will Likely Be Won By Some Old Jackass

Isn’t that what usually happens? Some old bastard retiree who owns his own house and has no student loans wins it all and still keeps his job mowing greens at the golf course? Well, even though it’s possible for this record jackpot to be won by someone who deserves it (read: me), it’s not very likely. And that possibility is clearly fueling the record ticket sales, as CNN reports:

The multistate jackpot, which lottery officials are calling “the largest lottery jackpot in world history,” has captivated the nation, has caused long lines at convenience stores and has many dreaming of creative ways to quit their jobs if they get the lucky numbers.

“Friday night’s Mega Millions drawing will truly be a spectacular event in lottery history and provides an unprecedented opportunity for players to take a chance on a half-billion dollar dream for just the $1 price of a ticket,” said Gary Grief, executive director of the Texas Lottery and lead director for the Mega Millions group.

And perhaps crazier still, if no one wins tonight, the jackpot for next Tuesday will reach $975 million bones. Richard Lustig, a seven-time lottery winner (and asshole!) advises purchasing tickets in groups and avoiding the quick-picks, but cautions against profligate spending:

“Don’t go crazy with this,” he said. “Don’t get what’s called lottery fever. Do not spend grocery money. Do not spend rent money.”

Even a University of Evil (Chicago) economist is getting in on the lottery advice action, cautioning winners to avoid the annuity and take the lump sum:

The choice comes down to interest rates, and with interest rates at zero, the lump sum just makes better financial sense, Goolsbee said.

“If you are fortunate enough to win the lottery, you most certainly want to take the lump sum,” Goolsbee said.

Yesterday, Gawker’s own Hamilton Nolan wrote a piece in which he reminded us of the odds against winning the lottery. While his math is solid, his reasoning will doubtlessly fall on deaf ears as millions of people buy tickets in the hopes of quitting their jobs, paying off their student loans, or perhaps more humbly, sexing up a bunch of Hungarian strippers in the greatest coke party that the world has ever known. Oops–I guess I gave away my plans for the winnings!

Did you buy your tickets yet? What are your plans for the winnings? Do they involve Hungarian strippers? Or robots? Discuss in the comments!

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If Timmy Kills 9 Hookers and Billy Kills 6 Hookers, How Many More Hookers Must They Kill to Reach 20?

Yes, the answer is five; put your hand down, no one likes a know-it-all. If, however, you’re more concerned with the nature of the problem than with its answer, you’ll sympathize with these parents immediately:

Some DC parents are shocked over math problems that were sent home with third graders at the Trinidad Center City Public Charter School.

One says the “bloodthirsty aliens then sucked the blood of 828 teachers and left them for dead.”

Another follows a SWAT team member who “killed 163 terrorists, 296 murderers and 206 arsonists. How many criminals did he kill on an average day?”

You can read all of the problems here. I assure you that they are hilarious.

The problems come from a website for home-schoolers; they were categorized under “third-grade multiplication.”

Reportedly, the teacher was forced to use the website, or else she and three other teachers would be subjected to (x)ravenous wolves; she also noted that in order to have two ravenous wolves per teacher as the principal required, (x) must equal 8 wolves.

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