So You’re Thinking About Going to College

Have you not been paying attention to the economy? Even people that go to good schools aren’t getting jobs–what the hell makes you think you’re so special? Oh, that’s right–you’re a millenial. Therefore everyone’s been telling you what a special snowflake you are for your entire life. Well then, I guess congratulations are in order. Congratulations for not paying attention to the world around you, and congratulations for deciding to take a tentative step toward doing something one day. That’s the kind of shit people praise you for, right?

In any case, you’ll need a handy checklist of things to think about in between status updates on Facebook or tweets about how you hate when Wikipedia doesn’t have an article that you need for a paper. So pay attention, snowflake!

1. Upsell your personal statement.

Yes, it’s possible someone might read this essay (if you beat the cut scores; otherwise, don’t bother), so you’ve got to do everything you can to improve your chances for admission. Luckily, that’s easy to do on a personal statement. Mix and match any of the following for a can’t lose admissions essay:

  • “My love of musical theater and Prada handbags has made life in Midland, Texas, very difficult.”
  • “Working in my parents’ restaurant between violin, piano, and ballet lessons was difficult to fit in, but I know it made me a stronger person.”
  • “And that’s why I’ll never forget the promise I made on my best friend’s deathbed; and one day I will hold that “Go Bulldogs” sign at the Harvard-Yale game in remembrance of her.”
  • “It was funny, really: who would have thought that a kid from Canton would create the year’s most popular smartphone app?”

2. Think about the costs.

Quite frankly, if you have to do this, you should not be attending college.

3. Have a school counselor help you begin your research.

What are you, an old? Use the fucking Internet!

4. Take your exams.

Test-taking is obviously the most important aspect of the college admissions process. Luckily, you’re part of Generation Special Snowflake, and so all you know how to do is take standardized exams; this will give you a leg-up in the race to the Ivy League. If you cannot afford to hire a test-prep coach, you should not be attending college. Because let’s face it, if you can’t spend a couple sawbucks on an SAT tutor than how will you afford black market Adderall during finals week? Back to cosmetology school, chump!

5. Visit a campus and see what it’s like to be an annoying undergraduate.

Determining where you’d like to spend four years is no easy task, especially on the basis of a weekend visit. And if that weekend visit included a party, that task becomes all the more difficult, because let’s face it, who would turn down the University of Bierundboobsen? Nevertheless, strive to make your choice as objective as possible; you don’t want to end up going to some second-rate state school just because you got laid at a tailgate party (go Warhawks!).

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Your Wang Will Inevitably Make You Say “Dang”

Do you have a penis? If the answer is yes, then you should probably avoid social media:

When it comes to managing their social media profiles, women, on average, behave more like mature, responsible adults while men act like impulsive adolescents.

In a study conducted by the Pew Research Center, some interesting and divergent trends emerged in the patterns of social media usage by men and women. Apparently, when it comes to the Internet, having a wiener is a major setback to keeping it classy. Especially when it comes to privacy:

A full two-thirds of female users allow only friends to view their Facebook, LinkedIn or MySpace pages without restrictions, while fewer than half of male users do so. Some 26% of men choose the most public setting for their profiles versus only 14% of women.

Not only are women more likely to restrict their sharing to those within their circles; they’re also more apt to kick people out of the circle. Asked whether they have deleted people from their networks, 67% of women said yes, compared with 58% of men.

Moreover, nearly twice as many men as women regretted something they’d posted; arguably, this is because men are just more self-reflective and apologetic than women.* This apparently places men in the same category as “young morons,” who expressed regret at a rate of up to 15%! And here you thought the future was looking bleak. At least the millenials will regret it when they screw everything up. And if they’re men, they might even admit it!**

*Dammit! I deeply regret that comment.
**Son of a bitch! I deeply regret that comment.

Do Millenials Dream of Electric Slaves?

It’s difficult to predict the future of human/robot relations. Will we enslave them? Will they enslave us? Or will our relationship be a boring imitation of a Kubrickian dystopia? The first two are preferable to the last, but really, since all of those scenarios likely involve sex robots, it’s difficult to get upset.

Luckily for us, a recent study attempts to ascertain what children think about their relationships with artificial playmates. The results are predictably amusing and contradictory; for instance, these gentle young hominids enjoy the idea of robot friendships, but seem to also enjoy the idea of robotic serfdom:

“When I got to school this morning, my teacher surprised me by giving me a robot to help me with my schoolwork. We played football at recess with my friends. In class, he wrote for me and helped me to think. Leaving school he carried my bag and transformed into a bike. When we got home he prepared my snack and helped me do my homework. He created books for me to read, and we played with toy cars. He keeps my secrets. I can tell him anything, and he gives me advice.” –Boy, 10, France

I find myself wondering what sort of advice this robot provides. Kill all humans, perhaps? Another child relished the prospect of his new robotic parent, especially since his human parents seem like they suck:

“When I get home, my robot helps me with my homework. My mother and father [came in and said] no video games now, homework first, but when they saw that I was already finished and had done everything correctly, they were glad that I had made friends with the robot. It could do everything—play soccer, build Legos, read, do math, write, and all the movements a person can make. Since my parents really are always at work a lot, they can’t always help me or play with me or cook something. Now the robot helps them with that.” –Boy, 9, Germany

Yes, young Gerhardt’s parents were thrilled at the prospect that he would no longer bother them with his childish musings. And young Gerhardt was seemingly also thrilled at the prospect of a mechanical homework machine that would take on the boring tasks of learning, so that he could fulfill his daily Call of Duty requirements. Try as I might, I can’t really blame him–Call of Duty is pretty fun.

Another youngster, again French, who apparently studies wizardry, also enjoyed enslaving his robot for the purposes of homework:

“My group finished its work before class ended, so my teacher let us leave early with the robot. I am overcome with joy and I play with him. But my friends are jealous so I lend them him (but not always). We are happy that he is with us and we have a good time. He helps us with building problems, like building models. Or scientific and alchemical problems. He can fly, drive, run and walk, of course.” –Boy, 11, France

So, while it seems that these children enjoy the prospect of robotic friends, I detect sinister undertones, because they seem to also enjoy foisting their human responsibilities onto their circuited counterparts. What this means for the future is unclear, and I decline to make a prediction. I will make one comment, however: fuck these kids! I didn’t get any robots when I was little. We had Go-Bots, for Christ’s sake! Do you remember how shitty those were?

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