Santorum Explodes All Over Minnesota’s Caucus

That’s right, folks, it looks like the Santorum Surge isn’t quite finished: Santorum exploded all over the Minnesota caucus, as well as the non-binding Missouri caucus (whatever that means; I don’t feel like looking at Wikipedia right now). He was also running ahead in Colorado, a state that Romney previously carried.

Thus, despite the efforts of Mittensus, it would appear Santorum is surging all over the place. What this means isn’t precisely clear; however, it’s possible Skynet will consider sending reinforcements. At the very least Santorum is proving a viable alternative to Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich for second place; although with such a prominent showing, second place may give way to first as Mittensus is forced to acknowledge the power of Santorum.

Santorum’s message was clear:

“I don’t stand here to claim to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney,” Mr. Santorum said after thanking God for getting him through the “dog days” of the campaign and the illness of his daughter Bella. “I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama.”

Yes, despite Santorum’s daughter’s vampire pregnancy, he will remain a contender. He is determined to demonstrate that Mittensus and Obama are, in fact, the same Kenyan Muslim.

No doubt this news is greatly pleasing to Democrats, because Santorum is functionally retarded, stands no hope of winning the nomination or presidency, and as such he will continue to distract from the GOP’s only viable candidate, Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar.

Hopefully, “Nuggeting” will Not Become a Meme

Earlier today, a University of Minnesota student was assailed with a chicken nugget, soda, and ultimately punches as he tried to enjoy a meal at a Dinkytown McDonald’s. According to reports, the attack began with a hurled nugget, and escalated from there:

The student addressed the man to ask why he threw the food, when a second man walked up to and dumped a drink on him. The first man then punched the student in the face about four times, knocking his glasses off his face, the report said.

The suspect then fled the scene with a friend; McDonald’s employees apparently recognized the two assailants as possible regulars.

There is no word on what sauces, if any, may have been used in the attack.

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