Skynet Declares Victory in Nevada

That’s right folks, Skynet’s T-1150 “Romneybot” has won the Nevada caucuses (sorry Ron Paul Kenobi–hit the next YT-1300 to Mos Eisley and GTFO!). In between updating his operating system and running system diagnostics on his detailed human anatomy files, Mittensus (Skynet’s nickname for the T-1150 model) had this to say:

“This is not the first time you’ve given me your vote of confidence, and this time I’m going to take it to the White House,” he said as the crowd chanted his name. And he delivered a harsh critique of Mr. Obama: “This week he’s been trying to take a bow for 8.3 percent unemployment. Not so fast, Mr. President.”

Yes, it would seem that Mittensus is implying here that he will lower the unemployment rate further, or perhaps attempt to change the definition of the words “unemployment” or “bad.”

At any rate, expect to be rounded up, experimented on, and perhaps duplicated in an attempt to lure out the survivors of the Romneypocalypse. At the very least expect more boring platitudes about personal responsibility and values.

Nevada: “Help Us, Ron Paul Kenobi, You’re Our Only Hope!”

From out of the dust of memory comes a warrior; a knight from a more elegant time, a man of principle and insight: Ron Paul Kenobi.

For too long the Empire, and its evil Emperor Barack “Muslimtine” Obama, has oppressed the good people (including corporations–they’re people, too) of Nevada. For too long, the Department of the Interior, that wretched hive of scum and villainy, has insisted on setting forth some kind of regulation so that mining companies don’t rape the shit out of Nevada’s land. But now those evil pricks at Interior are going to get what’s coming to them.

That’s right, Nevada knows what this rebellion needs: Ron Paul Kenobi.

One sage Nevadan had this to say:

“If Obamacare gets in, we could literally pay a fine for not buying health insurance,” Crabb continues. “The way I see that is: Get health insurance, pay the bill, and Sieg Heil!” He lifts his arm in a mock Nazi salute, accidentally showing off a tattoo of a naked woman he got on “one bad night in the Philippines.” The government doesn’t know how to solve problems, but he does. For example: Why not stop bailing out banks and cut checks to voters instead?

Truer words were never spoken: health care is exactly like the wholesale murder of a religious and ethnic group. Fucking exactly like it. And why give bailouts to those lazy-ass banks? Instead, send me some money; whisky and hookers are expensive!

Without an intervention of some kind, Emperor Muslimtine will surely put every single mining company out of business because if taxes got to high what would be the point in mining? The mining companies might just up and quit mining, leaving all that precious gold to the gnomes and dwarves! And we all know what socialist little fuckers they are.

Luckily, these brave Nevadans of Elko support a warrior for this cause; a man of the people, a noble Austrian soul: Ron Paul Kenobi. Even the “Native Americans support him” because he wants to abolish the Department of the Interior.

The government here is and always was considered a menace. The mining industry is booming now, sure, and this area’s survived decades of busts and crazes, but the current boom looks like a validation of everything Ron Paul says. Precious metals are worth more because other investments aren’t safe; gold is up because dollars aren’t pegged to anything. Paul’s ideas aren’t just scripture for the people of Elko, they are reality.

But what does Ron Paul Kenobi have to say about it? What does that sage and elegant knight from a bygone era think about mining?

“It’s just like any other corporation,” he says. “The tax should be as low as possible. I want real low taxes. That’s secondary to the problem of the welfare-warfare state. If you want to finance endless welfare, entitlements, and all these wars, you have to find all these gimmicks to finance it.”

The greedy mouth of the Emperor does not care about chafing the taxpayer’s teat; no, Emperor Muslimtine needs money to fund his “Muslimtinecare.” How else are all the women of Welfaria, Dirtburg, Rapetown, and Lazyopolis going to pay for abortions?

Thank the Force that we have Elko, Nevada, the mining companies, and Ron Paul Kenobi.

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