Class-Action Suit Alleges Ties Between Monsanto and an 80s Punk Rock Band

Monsanto, chemical manufacturing giant and front for Bond villain J. Emory Monsanto IX, will face a class-action lawsuit which alleges ties to the manufacture of a chemical compound found in Agent Orange, the 80s punk rock band from Orange County, California.

Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.

Oh, Agent Orange is also a powerful chemical defoliant that was used as a weapon during the Vietnam War! Thanks Wikipedia!

Anyway, the lawsuit, filed on behalf of some residents of Nitro, West Virginia, alleges that the company is responsible for the uptick in cancer diagnoses prevalent throughout the town. Some residents, however, are skeptical:

Gertie Estep, 79, spent a decade working for a chemical plant; most of her family was employed by Monsanto, where she says the pay was good.

“We raised our families from those plants and we had no problems,” says Estep, “Of course I know a lot of people in Nitro have had cancer, but I’m not sure [whether] they can blame that on the plants or not.”

Yup, no conflict of interest there, nor lack of objectivity. Why would Monsanto pay you and also pollute the environment? That doesn’t make any sense. Clearly all that cancer in West Virginia is being caused by illegal immigration (source: the fevered dreams of a rabid Tea Party supporter).

Apparently, this is not the first suit brought by the residents of Nitro against Monsanto; a 1980s series of cases had mixed results. Sadly, the current suit has already been significantly weakened, as judges rejected the claims that Monsanto ought to clean up its property; the issue of whether the chemical company will pay health care costs is still on the table.

When asked for comment, only the faint sound of laughter could be heard over the rocket-booster noise of J. Emory Monsanto IX’s stylish jetpack.

UN Spoke: This Coke is No Joke; DHL’s System Clearly Broke

On Thursday, the package delivery wizards at DHL delivered 35 pounds of cocaine wrapped in what appeared to be a “diplomatic sack” (hold your jokes, please) to the United Nations. Apparently, though the package was not addressed to the UN, it featured a mark that looked like the UN symbol; thus, DHL decided to deliver it and let the bureaucrats sort it out:

“It is my understanding that because there was no addressee, the DHL just thought well that’s the U.N. symbol so we should ship it on to U.N. headquarters and let them figure out who it was supposed to go to,” Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne, of the New York Police Department told the AFP.”

A UN spokesman assured CNN that the package of cocaine wasn’t meant for any members. Apparently diplomats still get their coke the old-fashioned way: from Russian strippers at underground nightclubs.


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