Merchant of Seaside

Inspired by yet another fantastic post about the Jersey Shore on Gawker, I wrote the following:

Signior Denton, many a time and oft
On the Boardwalk you have hated on me
About my partying and my nuisances:
Still I have borne it with a patient fist-pump,
For sufferance is the badge of all our tribe.
You call me idiot, cut-throat juicer,
And spit upon my Guido Ed Hardy,
And all for the sake of entertainment.
Well, then, it now appears you need my ratings:
Piss off, then; you come to me and you say
‘Vinny, we would have page views;’ you say so;
You, that did void your bowels on our show
And insult me as you spurn a c-list VH1’er
Out of your offices: page views are your suit
What should I say to you? Should I not say
‘Hath a Pinchot money? Is it possible
A Bonaduce can lend a thousand unique visitors? Or
Shall I bend low and in a Real Worlder’s key,
With bated breath and simplistic drunkenness, say this:
‘Fair sir, you shit on me on Friday last;
You spurned me such a day; another time
You called me Situationesque; and for these courtesies
I’ll lend you this many readers’?

Keep ’em coming, Gawker–I haven’t even gotten to Caliban yet!

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