Anchorage Morons Fight Bravely for Their Right to Discriminate Against the LGBT Community

In a stunning show of stupidity and small-mindedness, Anchorage voters decided to reject a measure that would have prohibited discrimination against members of the LGBT community:

Anchorage voters rejected a proposed ordinance to add legal protections for gay, lesbian and transgender people in a chaotic municipal election fraught with ballot shortages and high voter turnout in many precincts.

With more than 90 percent of the precincts reporting late Tuesday, 58 percent of voters had voted against Proposition 5, the equal rights ordinance that was far and away the most controversial and emotional component of this spring’s election.

It’s about damn time that a brave, Amurrican city stood united against the scourge of the LGBT community, with their musicals and flannels and gender conflict, and said: “Yes, Goddamnit–we would like to discriminate against you!” Sadly, this is the third time that an anti-discrimination proposal has met with rejection in Anchorage (the other two times were not ballot issues, however).

Apparently, the measure was such a hot button issue that polling places ran out of ballots; one hotspot had to resort to photocopying ballots on the school’s Xerox to meet voter demand. Those ballots will be counted as “questioned ballots,” so it remains unclear what the exact percentages will be; despite this, however, the idiots clearly won the day. And the driving force behind the idiots? You guessed it: Jesus.

A group of clergy supporting the ordinance, Christians for Equality, was a key part of organizing efforts, campaign spokesman Trevor Storrs said.

Opponents, campaigning as Vote No On Prop. 5, complained that the law was vague and poorly written and would impinge on the religious freedom of residents opposed to homosexuality. The proposition included an exemption from the law for churches and religious organizations.

I’ll give you a moment to savor the name “Christians for Equality.” Also, take a few minutes and peruse the “Protect Anchorage” website. Just make sure that you have something to release your rage upon after you visit.

But really, one must feel some sympathy for those poor, put-upon American Christians–truly they are the last disadvantaged group in the world! To not be able to discriminate against someone on the basis of some shit scribbled down thousands of years ago is well beyond the pale, sir!

Perhaps it’s unfair for me to paint a portrait of Anchorage based solely on the retards that rejected this proposition; after all, roughly 40% of the people said “Hey, assholes, discrimination isn’t cool–let’s smoke a jay and pet a moose or something.” And I can attest that there are a great many good people in the City of Anchorage who lament the influence of inbred Godtards on Alaskan politics.

Therefore I applaud the minority of citizens who decided that open discrimination is unacceptable and voted against stupidity.

And I issue a hearty “fuck you” to the tyranny of the majority.

Mississippi Loves Jesus; Jesus to Mississippi: “I Thought We Were Going to Keep it Casual!”

Yes, it would appear that 60% of America, and especially Mississippi, has really fallen head-over-heels for that rebellious black hippie who probably didn’t exist:

The latest Gallup Poll finds Mississippi is the most religious state, with Vermont and New Hampshire ranking as the least.

Overall, Gallup says, “America remains a generally religious nation, with more than two-thirds of the nation’s residents classified as very or moderately religious.”

Poor Jesus; just off a bad break-up with some whore and now a majority of Americans want to jump on his dick. Can’t a guy just talk about plucking out offensive eyeballs and not masturbating without a bunch of crazy bitches wanting a commitment? Apparently not in Mississippi:

Gallup found that 59% of Mississippians described themselves as “very religious,” followed by 57% of Utahns and 56% of Alabamans. Louisiana, Arkansas and South Carolina came in at 54%.

Ha! Suck it, Utah–those bible-thumping hillbillies in Mississippi have got you beat!

Not surprisingly, the Godless northern states in New England were among the least religious. Whether this is because of education, wealth, or possibly immigration patterns is certainly up for debate; nevertheless, we now know where Jesus will hide when Mississippi starts texting him at 2 a.m. looking for some late night “prayer.”

No, Higgs Boson is Not the Firm that Specializes in Diet Pill Lawsuits

Researchers at a U.S. physics lab have made an important step toward isolating the mysterious and all powerful Higgs boson particle, a particle thought to be so powerful that even Chuck Norris fears it:

The world’s best measurement of the mass of the so-called W boson was made by scientists working at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Batavia, Ill., a Fermilab release reported Friday.

The new measurement is an important step to discovering the mass of the theorized Higgs boson, the last undiscovered component of the Standard Model of physics thought to give all other particles their masses.

Well, powerful in the sense that it provides a powerful explanation of the underlying causes in theoretical physics. But I bet Norris would still be wary.

Apparently, researchers typically try to either produce the boson particles or attempt to measure other particles thought to be influenced by them; this particular attempt was a measurement trial, and it yielded excellent results:

“This measurement illustrates the great contributions that the Tevatron has made and continues to make with further analysis of its accumulated data,” Fermilab Director Pier Oddone said. “The precision of the measurement is unprecedented and allows rigorous tests of our underlying theory of how the universe works.”

Reportedly, the Devil is very happy; after all, he invented science to lead men astray from God’s truth:

“And demons shall be loosed upon the Earth and they shall consume the flesh of waterfowl paired with a savory vintage; then, with a furious surge, the demons shall construct a model of knowledge that allows for significant explanatory power in the face of questions regarding the natural world. And that knowledge will be called ‘Science,’ and it shall be evil. For men were not meant to know of the world around them; nay, they were meant to have other men read some poorly translated ancient texts and hand down platitudes from on high. Question not, men, for down that path lies only philosophers and devils.”

–Asininus, 28:12-16

The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes Just Got a Bit Thicker

There’s an old joke that goes something like this: What’s the thinnest book in the world? The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes! Hilarious! Well, that book just got a little bit thicker.

The Robert Beren Academy boys basketball team, which recently earned a spot in the state semifinals, will be forced to forfeit their upcoming semifinal game because the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools refuses to reschedule the playing time, which happens to coincide with the Jewish Sabbath. The Head of School, Rabbi Harry Sinoff, has asked TAPPS to reschedule to earlier in the day, but TAPPS refused.

“There should be a really big reason that prevents a team that has worked hard and earned its position before you exclude them,” Sinoff said. “All sports have been improved by inclusion.”

The Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools, otherwise known as the Texas Association of Dickbags, claims the schedule cannot be shifted. Not surprisingly, the majority of schools in the dickbag association are Christian.

“We have certain things that we do, not necessarily based on religion, but when TAPPS was founded, there were no schools in it that celebrated their Sabbath on anything but on Sunday,” said TAPPS Executive Director Edd Burleson.

Burleson also noted that Robert Beren Academy knew the rules going in, and joined anyway so that their team would have opponents to play against.

Perhaps most irritating (and unsurprising), is that accommodations have been made in the past: according to Rabbi Sinoff, a Seventh-Day Adventist team was allowed to reschedule a tournament game that would have taken place on Saturday.

Sadly, this means that Robert Beren Academy’s team will forfeit, and Kerville Our Lady of the Hills Catholic School, the opponent that they crushed to reach the semifinals, will play instead. Yeah, it certainly is tough to be a Christian in America.

I hope that Kerville gets scored on more times than Mary in a manger. Mazel tov, bitches!

Catholics Hate When You Force Your Beliefs on Them While They’re Forcing Their Beliefs on Others

Alas, it would seem that both irony and logic are lost on Catholics, because while the Church bemoans the health care mandate that would only ask them to provide health care services to their employees (God forbid!), they are slowly taking over some of the nation’s hospitals and quietly doing away with contraceptive services that are not aligned with Church doctrine. Luckily, this is mostly a problem for women, and who gives a shit about them? Clearly not Catholics.

Thankfully, at least a few doctors expressed concern:

Some doctors fear they may not be able to do what’s best for patients, forced to wait to treat a woman who is miscarrying, for example, or to send a rape victim elsewhere for an emergency contraceptive.

The restrictions at any given hospital may not be clear. “Women simply don’t know what they’re getting,” said Jill C. Morrison, senior counsel in health and reproductive rights at the National Women’s Law Center.

While some might argue that options exist (the woman in desperate need of immediate treatment could always take her whorish ass to the hospital across town), these arguments become problematic in rural communities where the only option is a Catholic hospital. Moreover, one-sixth of all admitted patients were admitted to Catholic hospitals. Freedom of choice is hardly free when you lack options.

Abortions are not the only issue, either; apparently, sterilization procedures such as tubal ligation (and presumably vasectomies) also run afoul of doctrine. The community of Rockford, Illinois has resisted a plan by the Sisters of the Order of St. Francis to consolidate their hospitals because this procedure stands a chance of elimination. According to Dr. Ronald Burmeister, a retired obstetrician, it “would just be an inconvenience to the patient and the physician, who has to make life-and-death decisions.”

There is, however, some hope–one large western Catholic hospital organization decided to restructure and operate some hospitals as secular institutions; thus, those hospitals would not have to follow Church doctrine and could presumably decide to offer contraceptive and sterilization services (as well as in-vitro fertilization, which the Church also opposes).

Obama, let this be a lesson to you: Catholics, and in fact most Christians, hate when you force your secular beliefs on them while they’re trying to force their beliefs on others. It’s just not cool, man–leave them alone while they try to turn America into a nightmarish theocratic state.

Democratic republics make the baby Jesus cry.

Did You Have Sex with Your Girlfriend or Wife Last Night? No? Well, Congratulations: That’s an Abortion

Apparently, the last time a Catholic studied logic Thomas Aquinas was wanking to etchings of Aristotle:

“We object to the use of drugs and procedures used to take the lives of unborn children,” the Rev. Dr. Matthew C. Harrison, president of the Lutheran Church — Missouri Synod, said Thursday at a hearing of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.

Their reasoning is that life begins the moment an egg is fertilized, and that if a contraceptive has the potential to prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg in the uterus, it is aborting a life.

This is an odd position. Catholics contend that life begins at the moment of conception, yet also object to pills which prevent conception. Thus, I am forced to believe that Catholics regard any prevention of conception to be an abortion. Thus, when you didn’t have sex with your girlfriend last night, she had an abortion.

That harlot.

Not surprisingly, people versed in “science,” or “magic,” as some theologians would have you believe, disagreed:

Several scientists and doctors said in interviews that this view did not reflect the way the birth control methods actually work. “There’s so much evidence for how these things work prior to fertilization,” said Diana L. Blithe, director of contraceptive development for the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. “And there’s no evidence that they work beyond fertilization.”

I, for one, do not find it terribly surprising that Catholic Bishops were ignoring evidence.

So just remember: every time you don’t have sex with your girlfriend or wife, you’re forcing her to have an abortion. And moreover, every time there’s an abortion, Jesus gets kicked in the nuts. So basically, if you’re not fucking right now, your girlfriend is a whore and you love to kick Jesus in the nuts.

How can you live with yourself?

Governor Chris Christie is Not Totally Gay for Gay Marriage

Sandwiches, on the other hand, he is over the assless-chapped, lubed-and-poppered moon for. But who isn’t, really? Sandwiches are awesome.

Gay marriage, on the other hand, is a tougher sell. But the governor’s veto is not without some small recourse:

The governor’s veto was conditional, asking the State Legislature to amend the bill, so that rather than legalizing same-sex marriages, it would establish an overseer to handle complaints that the state’s five-year-old civil union law does not provide gay and lesbian couples the same protections that marriage would.

Mr. Christie also affirmed his call for the Legislature to put a referendum on same-sex marriage on the ballot in November.

“An issue of this magnitude and importance, which requires a constitutional amendment, should be left to the people of New Jersey to decide,” the governor said in a statement.

I agree that the voters should decide the matter, especially since the voters of New Jersey are likely to vote to legalize gay marriage. The problem occurs if they don’t; naturally, you can’t have the majority inflicting their spurious and harmful will upon the minority. But thankfully, because of the Ninth Circuit, it’s possible that even if the voters idiotically decide to vote nay, the courts will decide to uphold the Constitution that the people don’t seem to give a fuck about.

Christie’s conditions also include the establishment of a state official who will review cases of discrimination to ensure that the state’s civil unions enjoy the same rights and benefits as the state’s marriages. This, however, did not placate the governor’s critics:

“Frankly, I don’t think Chris Christie has an anti-gay bone in his body,” said Steven Goldstein, chairman of Garden State Equality, a gay rights group. But he called the veto “a brutally anti-gay act, pure and simple.” He added that the governor’s ombudsman suggestion was “the equivalent of gold-plating a separate water fountain for a specific class of people.”

And while a veto will prove difficult, it remains in the realm of possibility. Let’s just hope that the voters of New Jersey prove to be DTF regarding gay marriage. Now where did I put my Ron-Ron Juice?

Could God Make a Ban So Strong That Even He Couldn’t Defy It?

Yes, the age old questions still persist: could God make a hot dog so big even He couldn’t eat it? Or a rock so heavy even He couldn’t lift it? Or perhaps a persecution complex so strong that even He couldn’t cure it through psychoanalysis? And of course, more pertinently, a ban so strong that even He couldn’t defy it?

On the last Sunday before a city policy went into effect barring religious services in public schools, leaders of congregations around the city expressed a range of responses, with some taking a pragmatic attitude and others vowing to not give up without a fight.

Perhaps, like most of the questions above, God (or one his favored philosophers) will find a workaround to this unfortunate situation. Seemingly, He already has, as many of the congregations that are likely to be displaced have been found new spaces:

Ed Schefter, the pastor of City Bible Church N.Y., which had met at Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis High School on West 46th Street, said he had looked at 25 possible places to relocate and finally found an appropriate space at 43rd Street and Eighth Avenue.

“It’s a huge dance studio — it’s beautiful,” he said. He said that the arrangement was only temporary because the space was not big enough for his growing congregation, but that it at least meant he did not have to worry about his church’s being homeless.

Other congregations might not be so lucky, but at least they’ll still have the good fortune to paint themselves as victims:

“We had a celebration today just for the honor of being worthy enough to be dissed for Jesus,” said the Rev. Sam Andreades, the pastor at the Village Church, which had been using space at Public School 3 on Hudson Street in Greenwich Village. He added that he had not yet found a location for next week’s services.

“Being inconvenienced for worshiping God is a good thing for a Christian, so that’s the way we’re looking at it,” he said.

Yes, folks, it’s true: being a Christian in America is truly a difficult cross to bear.

Not Surprisingly, Obama Will Compromise on Birth Control

Out of context, that headline might be amusing; yet, with context, it’s just sad, because the Obama administration is expected to announce today a compromise on the fight over birth control.

Apparently, as a religious organization, it’s quite irritating to be forced to offer basic healthcare services to your female employees for free. You know, as a secular organization, I find it quite annoying that some interests with vast land holdings and massive amounts of money don’t have to pay taxes, all because they got together and agreed that there’s a magical man who lives in the sky.

The compromise is modeled on Hawaiian state law, which allows employees who are not provided free contraception by their employer’s insurance plan to obtain contraception through side-benefits at little or no cost to the employee.

Personally, I had hoped that the President would ignore altogether the bleating of the well-funded religious organizations; yet, I knew it was not meant to be. I do not believe one should have to sacrifice their quality of care because they chose to work for a religious organization, yet religious organizations seem to think that it’s acceptable to force their views on employees who may not agree.

Therefore, I don’t want to hear anything about “religious freedom” again, because religious freedom would plainly include the freedom to ignore religion, and the logic of the religious organizations seems to demand this compromise.

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