Welcome to Thunderdome!

Yes, today is Super Tuesday, and it will quite likely determine the candidate who will go on to challenge Obama in the presidential election. Let’s hope it’s not Santorum. Or Romneybot. Or Ron Paul Kenobi. Or Newton “Fruit n’ Cake.” Actually, let’s hope that all four of them meet up for a grip-and-grin photo op and a meteor strikes them. Yes, that would be the best possible scenario: the meteor that killed the Republican presidential candidate field versus Obama.

Naturally, I’d vote for the meteor; after all, it did more for American politics than Obama ever could.

But since that’s not going to happen, we’ll discuss some actualities. In what appears to be a race to the bottom for Santorum and Romneybot, both are counting on victories in Ohio to propel them to the depths; Ohio is the necessary morale booster for either candidate. Hence all the campaigning and vague talk about “manufacturing”:

At a metal works in Canton and a welding factory in Youngstown, in mailboxes and on the radio, Mr. Romney’s intense focus on these Republican-leaning voters was in evidence on Monday as he made his closing appeal in Ohio – if not as an everyman, then at least as a chief executive who knows how to generate blue-collar jobs and get factories running again.

“Other people in this race have debated about the economy, they’ve read about the economy, they’ve talked about it in subcommittee meetings, but I’ve actually been in it,” Mr. Romney told workers at a guardrail factory in Canton, where he walked among huge coils of steel. “I understand what it takes to get business successful, and to thrive.”

Yes, a predatory venture capital firm is exactly like a factory; really, the douchebags I see outside of Bain’s headquarters at lunch are virtually indistinguishable from the chumps who make sprockets in Bumfuck, Ohio!

Also, there’s no such thing as “the” economy; there are a multiplicity of interrelated economies. When I sell my bike to some hippie, that’s an economy. We’re all in the Goddamn economy, Mittensus. So shut the fuck up.

Santorum, however, was not to be outdone on the pandering front:

Mr. Santorum, who has mixed his faith-based appeal with a workingman’s sensibility born of his Pennsylvania coal and steel country roots, was not about to cede that ground.

At Dayton Christian School in Miamisburg on Monday, he urged a capacity crowd to vote for “a guy who grew up in a steel town in western Pennsylvania who no one gave any chance to be standing here in Ohio in March, because he went out and believed in free people” and in “building a stronger economy based on manufacturing.”

Yes, Rickspittle–your White Christianness and upbringing near some people who worked really hard definitely qualifies you to be president. I grew up in a small farming town; I didn’t farm, but there were some nearby. Thus, I’m not only qualified to talk about farming, but I could also be president! Isn’t democracy grand?

Whether this nonstop blue-collar asslicking will prove fruitful remains to be seen; if the past is any indicator, it probably will. Desperate people are often swindled with vague promises, and in this Republican field, vague promises are seemingly the only mode of discourse available.

But before you vote, blue-collar Super Tuesdayans, just consider this: are you willing to work for $17 a day, where a day lasts 14 hours? No? Then kiss that manufacturing bullshit goodbye.

Also, vote for Ron Paul Kenobi–I’d love to see Emperor Muslimtine crush him beneath his Imperial loafers.

Good News! Rick Perry Retired!

Ha! Psyche! He’s just taking retirement pay while still receiving his governor’s salary! Wait, what?

Apparently, under a provision in Texas law, certain state officials can be paid a retirement benefit while they still work. And Governor Perry, who is perhaps more savvy than we’ve given him credit for, is milking that teat like a farmer on speed:

Mr. Perry invoked the provision last year, disclosing in December that he had increased his take-home pay by more than $90,000 a year through his on-the-job retirement. He also makes $150,000 a year as governor.

Perhaps even better is that hardly anyone even knew about this lovely little benefit until Rick Perry, the man who promised to eliminate congressional benefits, ran for president:

In Texas, the considerable pension benefits given to politicians are exempt from government transparency laws and not subject to ethics disclosure rules. But Mr. Perry, a presidential candidate before dropping out last month, had to reveal the pension payments to the Federal Election Commission.

Moreover, Perry points out that he’d be an idiot not to capitalize on this benefit:

“I would suggest to you that it’s rather inappropriate if you’ve earned something if you don’t take it and take care of your family,” Mr. Perry said. “This was put into place by the Legislature, and if your point is it’s not appropriate, then the Legislature will change it.”

The provision allows certain employees to benefit from two retirement systems, the elected class and the employee class. Thus, elected officials can receive the employee benefit while they serve in their elected capacity. Rick Perry apparently ranks among nearly 200 public employees that receive over $100,000 in salary while earning pension benefits.

Suddenly Perry’s campaign foibles make perfect sense. Retirees in America seem prone to annoying behaviors: clogging highways with Winnebagos, voting for Republicans, and writing checks after the cashier finishes ringing everything up. Also, using checks. Get a fucking debit card!

Drill Here, Get Gas

As gas prices climb, Republicans are looking to blame it on Obama, who as we all know, runs the oil companies and also owns every gas station in America. What an asshole!

In a closed-door meeting last week, Speaker John A. Boehner instructed fellow Republicans to embrace the gas-pump anger they find among their constituents when they return to their districts for the Presidents’ Day recess.

“This debate is a debate we want to have,” Mr. Boehner told his conference on Wednesday, according to a Republican aide who was present. “It was reported this week that we’ll soon see $4-a-gallon gas prices. Maybe higher. Certainly, this summer will see the highest gas prices in years. Your constituents saw those reports, and they’ll be talking about it.”

Four dollars! That’s crazy talk! Nowhere in the world pays that much! Except for all of these places.

This strategic embrace of rhetoric could have a negative impact on Obama’s reelection hopes, however, as many Americans are quite gullible (especially the old bastards who should have been Carousel’d long ago–you know, the ones who vote). Obama’s energy policies, according to Republicans, are the real problem:

“They want higher energy prices. They want to push their radical agenda on the public,” Rick Santorum said at a campaign event last week, accusing Democrats of pushing alternatives to oil. “We need a president who is on the side of affordable energy.”

Yes, Obama wants higher energy prices. Presumably because it will anger Americans, and he relies on the anger of Americans to fuel his Muslimtanic baby-killing rituals. That’s why he decided to approve exploration in Arctic waters. Oh, wait, that doesn’t make any fucking sense, does it?

Yes, it would seem that despite Obama’s relatively conservative approach to domestic energy development, he’s still responsible for high domestic energy prices. Personally, I think the Republitards are angry because Obama is a way better Republican president than any of their past choices.

At this point, you’re probably wondering “wait a minute, what about the oil companies? don’t they make billions per quarter? let’s get some of that cash!” Well, shut up about that. If you tax the oil companies, they’ll stop drilling for oil. That’s right, they’ll close up shop on one of the most valuable commodities in the world market and open bakeries in Williamsburg. Where will you get your gas then, chump? Yet one New York representative still insists on pointing out the obvious:

“House Republicans are very good at using every argument they can to shield oil companies from paying their fair share,” said Representative Steve Israel of New York, the chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. “They have been relentless and fearless protectors of oil company profits.”

Regardless of what happens, expect a great many stories on your local news about how the gas prices are too damn high, featuring “real people” at the pump. Hooray, a whole summer full of idiots complaining! Sounds very American.

Hotlanta is Too Hot for Romneybot

Or perhaps his circuitry can’t handle humidity; either way, it looks like our favorite Patrician stooge will abstain from the March 1st intellectual fray otherwise known as the Republican debates.

Sources cite scheduling conflicts, but it’s just as likely that Romneybot has some bad memories of Peachtree Street.

Republicans: “We Have Always Been at War with Healthcare”

Perhaps you remember the 90s: a simpler time, when you could live without ambition, sleep until eleven, and go to clown college. It was also a time when Republicans supported an individual mandate in healthcare; a mandate which would provide coverage to most Americans. A mandate that looked a lot like the successful one in Massachusetts. If you do remember this, I’m afraid you must report immediately to Miniluv.

In the distant fog of memories you should not have, the individual mandate was the preferred conservative approach:

The individual mandate, as it is known, was seen then as a conservative alternative to some of the health care approaches favored by liberals — like creating a national health service or requiring employers to provide health coverage.

Even the Heritage Foundation thought the mandate was a good idea, and we all know what pissy assholes they can be!

Not surprisingly, however, Republicans have attempted to distance themselves from their former positions on healthcare; Newt Gingrich recently characterized his support of the mandate as the only alternative to “Hillarycare.” Poor Newton, what was he to do? Who can blame him, though, when all the alternatives were doubleplusungood?

But Democrats were wary of such a mandate, and after the defeat of Clinton’s healthcare initiative, the mandate languished; the occasional candidate brought it up, though it was never seriously considered.

Then, as it often does, the political climate changed, and healthcare was again an important issue. This change, coupled with the success of the mandate in Massachusetts, spurred Democrats to embrace the idea of the mandate. And naturally, because our political system has the maturity of a 5 year-old child, the Republicans wanted no part of it:

Many conservatives changed their minds too, however. Some of the Republican senators who once supported versions of the individual mandate railed against Mr. Obama’s plan. Mr. Romney, despite signing a similar plan into law in Massachusetts, has made a pledge to try to “repeal Obamacare” central to his presidential campaign.

It would seem that even Mittensus was not immune to Room 101. Which is plusgood, because if you’re going to be a Republican president, you’ve got to be goodthinkful.

Nice Try GOP, but Obama Will Make these Look Cool

In an attempt to visually symbolize their disgust with Obama’s use of their own strategies that they use all the time, the GOP released this gag image:

Sadly, what the GOP fails to realize is that while they could never make flip-flops cool, Obama has been able to do it for almost four years now.

Obama’s Sack Has Upset Some Republicans

The latest kerfuffle over pretty much anything the president does, any time, is regarding his sack. More specifically, the sacks and scarves and tees he sold at a New York fund raiser:

Republicans contend the sale might violate campaign-finance rules. The gear will sell for a fraction of the price the designers’ merchandise typically fetches at department stores. Republicans say that suggests they relied on corporate resources to keep costs low, which could amount to illegal campaign contributions. On Mr. Lam’s website, handbags range in price from $340 to $1,890. The three scarves offered on Mr. Thakoon’s website go for $325 apiece.

“This raises serious questions about whether corporate money, property and employees were improperly used in the design and production of these items without reimbursement,” said Sean Spicer, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee.

Apparently the problem arises with the employees of the designer: employees are not allowed to be be paid for political work; instead, they must volunteer. If the employees of the designer got paid, it would be considered a contribution from a corporation.

The Obama campaign denies this and claims that the designers spent very little time on the items, and that everyone involved was a volunteer; really, it’s not a stretch to imagine that members of the design community are Obama supporters. According to Narciso Rodriguez, the design for Obama’s $45 tee did not take long, and that “sketch-time is not really work.” Rodriguez also said that he “designed a T-shirt for Mr. Obama’s 2008 presidential bid and volunteered this year because ‘the president is cool … someone I believe in.'”

There is no word yet on whether the Republicans will object to Obama’s forthcoming custom product endorsements, such as Cue Sports “Obama-Style Shaft Cleaner and Conditioner,” or Aramith’s “Obama 2012 Ball Restoring Formula.”

Wanted: Band to Play for the Grand Old Party; Must Not Rock Too Hard or Support Immigration Rights

Alas, the GOP is having some difficulties in scoring their political battle against Barry “Probably Loves Jazz” Obama. Recently, Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich was told that he could not use “Eye of the Tiger,” a rousing anthem by Survivor, to support his campaign; I’m told his second choice, “Rye or the Kaiser,” by Weird Al, was also unavailable. Mittensus also had some problems; Somali-born artist K’naan insisted that he stop using “Wavin’ Flag” as a victory tune. Given the lyrics of “Wavin’ Flag” I’m wondering if there’s not some prankster/saboteur in the Romney campaign. If so, I doff my cap to you, good sir or madam.

In any case, this is the not the first time the GOP’s had trouble with commie rockers; no, John McCain was forced to apologize (and pay a settlement) for using Jackson Browne’s “Running on Empty,” and Charlie Crist got in trouble for using “Road to Nowhere” by the Talking Heads.

It’s not surprising to anyone whose brain functions normally that artists would not support the GOP candidates in their eternal struggle to perpetuate the oligarchy. After all, artists are all hippies who couldn’t make it in finance, right? But what’s amusing is the split between rock and country; seemingly, country artists have no problem whoring their music for candidates that would likely ban dancing if given half the chance. There are probably dissertations to be written on the subject in doctoral programs for musical theory (what? someone’s got to appreciate music on an academic level, and sure as hell don’t want to do it), so I’ll not speculate on the divide. Instead, I’ll suggest a few alternatives so that Mittensus and Fruit’n’Cake can keep on truckin’:

“Relax,” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

It’s the perfect song for a party where members continously attempt to deny gay rights and then get busted for trolling men’s rooms.

“Frozen,” by Madonna.

Another perfect song for the GOP, a party constantly frozen in their politics and approaches to deal with problems. Plus, they’re hearts are definitely not open.

“Big Bottoms,” by Spinal Tap.

Possibly the most perfect song for the GOP. After all, they seem to be obsessed with big bottoms, and they are most definitely swimming in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.

Any other suggestions?

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