Santorum Explodes All Over Minnesota’s Caucus

That’s right, folks, it looks like the Santorum Surge isn’t quite finished: Santorum exploded all over the Minnesota caucus, as well as the non-binding Missouri caucus (whatever that means; I don’t feel like looking at Wikipedia right now). He was also running ahead in Colorado, a state that Romney previously carried.

Thus, despite the efforts of Mittensus, it would appear Santorum is surging all over the place. What this means isn’t precisely clear; however, it’s possible Skynet will consider sending reinforcements. At the very least Santorum is proving a viable alternative to Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich for second place; although with such a prominent showing, second place may give way to first as Mittensus is forced to acknowledge the power of Santorum.

Santorum’s message was clear:

“I don’t stand here to claim to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney,” Mr. Santorum said after thanking God for getting him through the “dog days” of the campaign and the illness of his daughter Bella. “I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama.”

Yes, despite Santorum’s daughter’s vampire pregnancy, he will remain a contender. He is determined to demonstrate that Mittensus and Obama are, in fact, the same Kenyan Muslim.

No doubt this news is greatly pleasing to Democrats, because Santorum is functionally retarded, stands no hope of winning the nomination or presidency, and as such he will continue to distract from the GOP’s only viable candidate, Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar.

In the Quest for the Republican Nomination, Romney Aims to Lick Santorum

The latest numbers from Missouri seem to support the Santorum Surge, but earlier in the week the Romney campaign turned their eye to licking Santorum once and for all. According to Tim Pawlenty, former governor of Minnesota “Rick Santorum is a nice guy, but he is simply not ready to be president.”

“Even in the face of crushing federal debt, Rick Santorum voted for the infamous ‘Bridge to Nowhere,’ ” Mr. Pawlenty said. “That type of leadership will not help us rein in government and slash the unprecedented federal debt.”

But Santorum wasn’t going to let mere words or follow-up emails turn him into a puddle; no, his campaign countered with some passive-aggressive rhetoric of his own:

“Governor Romney does what he always does and directs his well-funded attack machine to destroy the opponent,” said Hogan Gidley, a spokesman for Mr. Santorum. “In the Republican Party, we have a name for someone who supports government health care mandates, big bank bailouts and radical cap-and-trade initiatives. We call them Democrats.”

While it doesn’t seem that Santorum poses a legitimate threat (a victory in Missouri awards no delegates) to Romney, Santorum will continue to flail the dead horse of Massachusetts Romneycare. I hate to burst the Santorum bubble, but a program negotiated by a Republican governor in a Democratic state that is by all accounts successful and popular is not a great target.

Stick to the money, Santorum–don’t let yourself slip through the cracks.

Romneybot Is the Projected Winner of the Florida Primary

NBC News has just projected that Mitt Romney won Florida by a wide margin. It appears that Gingrich is a distant second, followed but the other GOP candidates, as well as write-in candidates Voldemort, Your Mom, Hugh Jass, Pat McCrotch, and Seymour Butts.

David Brooks Thinks You Should Shut Up About Romney’s Riches

Not content to allow the pauper’s rabble to sully the Romney name, David Brooks, that ever-expanding and balding bag of Burkean bollocks demands that we take a moment to consider the real Mitt (short for Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar) Romney:

“Is Romney a spoiled, cosseted character? Has he been corrupted by ease and luxury?”

And like so many individuals who pose questions to themselves so that they may answer to their own satisfaction, David Brooks assures that no, Mittensus is not, in fact, a Simpsons-esque caricature of a Gilded Age gazillionaire.

At this point, based solely on Brooks’s reputation, I’m sure you’ve forgotten your previous impression of Romney as a moneyed twat and are now picturing him as the descendant of a hardscrabble pioneer, eking a living from the land and demonstrating with his every action that hard work strengthens the soul. Congratulations, David Brooks might say, because now you’re seeing the real Mittensus:

“All his life, Romney has been a worker and a grinder. He earned two degrees at Harvard simultaneously (in law and business). He built a business. He’s persevered year after year, amid defeat after defeat, to build a political career.”

Where some might take a hint and fuck off, Mittensus perseveres against all odds or common sense. But you’re probably also asking yourself “how did Mittensus come to be such a noble specimen of a hominid?” Cue the standard Brooksian appeal to a conservative philosopher, thus demonstrating his advanced learning and familiarity with a great books curriculum:

“Where did this persistence come from? It’s plausible to think that it came from his family history. The philosopher Michael Oakeshott once observed that it takes several generations to make a career. Interests, habits and lore accrue in families and shape those born into them.”

Not content to reference but one author, Brooks delights in relaying to us the highlights of his “Monarchist’s Monday” book-club selection “The Real Romney,” which details the Romney family history, and probably has no pictures. According to “The Real Romney,” Mittensus’s great-great grandfather Miles struggled against heathen mobs in Nauvoo, Illinois, and was eventually forced west to Salt Lake City after those damn mobs burned his temple down. Thus, it would seem that at least one Romney was capable of taking a hint.

Brooks follows with even more Romney history in an attempt to pin an American metanarrative badge squarely on Mittensus’s noble chest, and in a sly attempt at winning an AIPAC endorsement for our favorite Mormon campaigner, compares the Mormon struggle to the historical struggle of Jewish people:

“It is a story of relentless effort, of recovery and of being despised (in their eyes) because of their own success. Romney himself experienced none of this hardship, of course, but Jews who didn’t live through the Exodus are still shaped by it.”

I invite you to read that last sentence one more time, just to savor it.

Ultimately, one should not be surprised by Brooks’s spirited defense of Mittensus. After all, Mittensus is rich, comes from a moneyed family, and went to Harvard—he’s prime material for Brooks’s “Burkean Beefcakes” calendar. But if Brooks’s argument is still a fly in your ointment, a monkey in your wrench, a pain in your ass, fear not, for consistency is not, ironically, one of Brooks’s strong suits.

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