Rick “The Trick” Promises a Newer, Cleaner Santorum for America

Well, it looks like the Lenny Bruce of the GOP presidential pack is going to tone down his act. That’s right, Rick “The Trick” Santorum is going to offer a kinder, gentler discursive environment for his followers. Or, at the very least, an environment where he won’t comment on the relative qualities of a Romneybot presidency:

After several highly publicized remarks that left many in his party questioning whether he had crossed the line in attacking a fellow Republican, Mr. Santorum has struggled to find the balance between being a tenacious underdog and leaving himself open to criticism that he is just an embittered also-ran.

Nevertheless, he still has some harsh criticisms for his opponent; Above the News was able to obtain this unedited draft transcript of a Santorum speech attacking Mitt Romney (I’ve censored it for your protection):

“Mitt Romney can suck a d**k, folks. Yes, that’s right: Romney’s nothing but a f**king c**ks**king a**clown. First he’s over here, then he’s over there; he’s like a f**king retard. He just can’t make up his mind. ‘Duh, I like health care–it nice. I wear magic panties!’ And speaking of magic panties, what about his wife? Have you ever seen such a b****y looking c**t in all your life? I bet her p***y’s as cold as a glacier. And probably as big, too. The magic of her panties is that she can fit her oversize c**t in there.”

It only gets worse, folks, I can promise you that. But as the Times article noted, Santorum is aiming to clean up his act; thus, speeches like the above will become a thing of the past.

Though he may be Wal-Marting his speeches, Santorum still has some vague criticisms of Romneybot, as well as some reiterations of his credentials on battling health care:

“I’ve got a long, strong, consistent record on the issue of health care,” Mr. Santorum told a group of more than 100 supporters at a campaign rally in Janesville on Tuesday night. “No wobbles, no bobbles.”

It is unclear whether Santorum weebles; nevertheless, he does not fall down.

But some Santorum fans are upset that he no longer spits hot fire:

Paul Kurtz, a high school social studies teacher from Janesville who was at the rally, said he thought Mr. Santorum seemed to be repressing his trademark tenacity.

“I think Rick tempered what he could have said,” said Mr. Kurtz, 36, who was sipping the dregs of a beer as the crowd filed out of the Armory in Janesville. “I think he was really close to going there. I was waiting for the personal attack on Romney.” But Mr. Kurtz left disappointed.

Yes, Mr. Kurtz is responsible for educating the youth of America. I’ll give you a moment to cry.

What remains to be seen is whether Santorum can maintain this pretense of civility. Oh, wait–

Welcome to Thunderdome!

Yes, today is Super Tuesday, and it will quite likely determine the candidate who will go on to challenge Obama in the presidential election. Let’s hope it’s not Santorum. Or Romneybot. Or Ron Paul Kenobi. Or Newton “Fruit n’ Cake.” Actually, let’s hope that all four of them meet up for a grip-and-grin photo op and a meteor strikes them. Yes, that would be the best possible scenario: the meteor that killed the Republican presidential candidate field versus Obama.

Naturally, I’d vote for the meteor; after all, it did more for American politics than Obama ever could.

But since that’s not going to happen, we’ll discuss some actualities. In what appears to be a race to the bottom for Santorum and Romneybot, both are counting on victories in Ohio to propel them to the depths; Ohio is the necessary morale booster for either candidate. Hence all the campaigning and vague talk about “manufacturing”:

At a metal works in Canton and a welding factory in Youngstown, in mailboxes and on the radio, Mr. Romney’s intense focus on these Republican-leaning voters was in evidence on Monday as he made his closing appeal in Ohio – if not as an everyman, then at least as a chief executive who knows how to generate blue-collar jobs and get factories running again.

“Other people in this race have debated about the economy, they’ve read about the economy, they’ve talked about it in subcommittee meetings, but I’ve actually been in it,” Mr. Romney told workers at a guardrail factory in Canton, where he walked among huge coils of steel. “I understand what it takes to get business successful, and to thrive.”

Yes, a predatory venture capital firm is exactly like a factory; really, the douchebags I see outside of Bain’s headquarters at lunch are virtually indistinguishable from the chumps who make sprockets in Bumfuck, Ohio!

Also, there’s no such thing as “the” economy; there are a multiplicity of interrelated economies. When I sell my bike to some hippie, that’s an economy. We’re all in the Goddamn economy, Mittensus. So shut the fuck up.

Santorum, however, was not to be outdone on the pandering front:

Mr. Santorum, who has mixed his faith-based appeal with a workingman’s sensibility born of his Pennsylvania coal and steel country roots, was not about to cede that ground.

At Dayton Christian School in Miamisburg on Monday, he urged a capacity crowd to vote for “a guy who grew up in a steel town in western Pennsylvania who no one gave any chance to be standing here in Ohio in March, because he went out and believed in free people” and in “building a stronger economy based on manufacturing.”

Yes, Rickspittle–your White Christianness and upbringing near some people who worked really hard definitely qualifies you to be president. I grew up in a small farming town; I didn’t farm, but there were some nearby. Thus, I’m not only qualified to talk about farming, but I could also be president! Isn’t democracy grand?

Whether this nonstop blue-collar asslicking will prove fruitful remains to be seen; if the past is any indicator, it probably will. Desperate people are often swindled with vague promises, and in this Republican field, vague promises are seemingly the only mode of discourse available.

But before you vote, blue-collar Super Tuesdayans, just consider this: are you willing to work for $17 a day, where a day lasts 14 hours? No? Then kiss that manufacturing bullshit goodbye.

Also, vote for Ron Paul Kenobi–I’d love to see Emperor Muslimtine crush him beneath his Imperial loafers.

Romneybot Squeaks Out Santorum in Michigan and Arizona

Yes, for the moment, it would appear that Romneybot is holding the lead in the Republican primaries. Yesterday, he claimed victories in Arizona and Michigan; we can but hope that this marks the death knell of Santorum’s “Campaign for an American Catholic Theocracy.” Romneybot, who likely feels as though he was created to be president, was understandably jubilant-seeming:

“I stand ready to lead our party to victory and our nation back to prosperity,” Mr. Romney told a jubilant crowd of supporters. “It’s a critical time in America.”

Ich bin ein Amerikaner! However, Romney’s tough fight in Michigan may not be the golden shower of adulation he always wanted because Michigan awards its delegates by district; thus, Pope John Paul Santorum might take almost as many as Romney. Understandably, Santorum was also pleased with himself:

“A month ago they didn’t know who we are,” Mr. Santorum said, moments after calling Mr. Romney to concede. “They do now.”

Sadly, he’s correct.

The contest now moves forward, and unfortunately Santorum is still with us; we can only hope that Ron Paul Kenobi and Romneybot prove adequate to the task of removing him from the crevice of American politics.

Ron Paul Kenobi and Romneybot Tag Team the GOP Debate, Smearing Santorum Everywhere

I’ve always found it odd that Republicans compete with one another over political rigidity; seemingly, they believe that the candidate who is most inflexible will be the best president. Because no president has ever had to compromise, ever. Also, in their competition they seem to forget that they also govern those who did not vote for them. But fuck those guys, am I right?

In any case, last night’s GOP debate was no different, save for the fact that Ron Paul Kenobi and Romneybot’s budding bromance turned into a WWE-style tag-team effort, which definitely ran wild over poor Rick “The Trick” Santorum:

It was Mr. Santorum’s first time in the cross hairs as a leading candidate, an uncomfortable position that has set back other Republican challengers. He did not recoil or wither under pressure, but he was placed on the defensive again and again, with Mr. Romney and Representative Ron Paul of Texas acting as a tag team in critiquing his record in Congress.

Their power moves were varied:

They criticized his earmarks [BIFF!], his vote for a provision that financed Planned Parenthood [POW!] and his support of the No Child Left Behind law [CRUNCH!], President George W. Bush’s signature education plan now out of favor with conservatives. By the end of the night, the scrutiny seemed to wear on Mr. Santorum, who was taunted with boos when he said he had voted for the education program even though “it was against the principles I believed in.”

Since Santorum has been surging all over Romney’s face in recent weeks, this debate was critical for Romney; thus, he wasted no opportunity to point out Santorum’s flaws. Moreover, despite the fact that most Americans are worried about finding a job, or whether they’ll be able to send their children to college (they won’t), the Republitards took this opportunity to sound out their conservative bona fides on immigration, healthcare, and Romney’s ability to balance a budget:

Mr. Romney played up his status as the only candidate on the stage who had never served in Washington, but Mr. Santorum would not let his rival take credit for balancing the budget as governor of Massachusetts, which is required by state law.

“Don’t go around bragging about something you have to do,” Mr. Santorum said. “Michael Dukakis balanced the budget for 10 years. Does that make him qualified to be president of the United States? I don’t think so.”

Personally, I don’t think a man whose claim to fame is a humorous neologism has much to stand on when criticizing other people’s credentials, but who am I to judge?

Santorum didn’t stand much of a chance against the Iron Bromance, and the night’s most hilarious moment came when Ron Paul Kenobi defended his television ads criticizing Santorum’s legitimacy:

When the moderator asked Mr. Paul why he was running a new television advertisement calling Mr. Santorum “a fake” conservative, Mr. Paul answered simply, “Because he’s a fake.”

“I’m real, I’m real, I’m real,” Mr. Santorum said, shaking his head.

Somehow I don’t think he was quoting J-Lo. Cogito ergo santorum, Rick the Trick.

Santorum is Hot on Romney’s Tail

According to a recent poll, it looks like the numbers gap between the two candidates has all but closed, with the possibility that Santorum is taking the lead over Romney:

Rick Santorum has pulled slightly ahead of Mitt Romney in Republican primary voters’ preference for the presidential nomination, a national CBS News/New York Times Poll shows.

Santorum has the support of 30 percent of GOP primary voters in the poll, following by Romney at 27 percent. Ron Paul is now in third at 12 percent, followed by Newt Gingrich at 10 percent.

Just three points over Romney, Santorum’s lead in the national survey is within the poll’s margin of error.

Santorum has been nipping at Romneybot’s heels since his victories in last week’s caucuses; whether Skynet will choose to send cyborg assassins from the future to eliminate the threat is uncertain.

Regardless of what happens, Mittensus will have to change his strategy and attempt to appeal to Santorum’s base: the uneducated, the evangelical poor, and various sewer mutants. At the very least, we’ll be in for some amusement as Romney tackles tent revivals and boat shows in a vain effort to lock up Santorum supporters:

“I say, young man–what moniker is this fried confection called by? And would you object terribly to wiping your mouth before you speak to me?”

Working Women Hate Their Families

That’s right: working women are radical feminists and hate their families. And not in the “Agh, I really hate my family” way that we all hate our families, either, but in the “I hate my family because of patriarchy and phalluses” kind of way that is simply unacceptable. This isn’t The Women’s Room, so get with the Goddamn program.

Earlier this week, Rick Santorum, gay sex joke extraordinaire, came under some fire for his remarks regarding women in combat; namely, that combat decision might be flubbed because of all the emotions. Naturally, Santorum’s enemies (America-haters, all) seized upon this and pursued the rational course; that is to say, they questioned his history on women in the workplace. And the results were not pretty, because it turns out that once upon a time he wrote a book that questioned the values of working women. But wait, friends! That part was written by his wife! What a twist!

Asked by George Stephanopoulos about that remark on ABC’s “This Week,” Mr. Santorum said that his wife, Karen, had written that section of the 2005 book — though only his name is on the cover and he does not list her, in his acknowledgements, among those “who assisted me in the writing of this book.” He said that when Ms. Santorum, a nurse and a lawyer, had quit her job to raise the couple’s children, she felt that many people “looked down their nose at that decision.”

Funnily enough, if this is true, it demonstrates Santorum’s commitment to women in the workplace; after all, a man that outsourced to his wife chapters of a book published under his name can’t possibly believe women have no place in the workforce. Just as long as they’re writing conservative screeds about radical feminism and then giving their husbands the credit!

You see, as long as a man gets the credit, it’s fine to have women in the workplace. After all, without a decent secretary pool how are you supposed to find a replacement for your wife when she gets too old?

David Brooks Thinks Romneybot Should Run a Self-Diagnostic

No doubt Gauis Julius Mittensus Caesar is quite happy this morning. Why? Well, perhaps it’s because over his daily mug of the blood of the poor his favorite columnist, one David Brooks, the ever-screeching Burkean bagpipe, offered some sociological insight from the 1950s: Mittensus is “other-directed,” and if he aims to win the presidency, he ought to harp on some bad talking points like that idiot Santorum.

But maybe you think “other-directed” sounds good; ‘He likes to volunteer,’ you think to yourself. Sadly, “other-directed” seems to be the worst of the types! It lacks the dedication to tradition that growing up on a farm gives you (tradition-directed, yay!), and doesn’t possess the individual certainty of moral rectitude that one receives whilst growing up during an industrial period (inner-directed, what-what).*

Seemingly, contrasted to the other types adumbrated in The Lonely Crowd (Brooks’s “I practically invented American Studies” selection of the week), it’s the worst possible type! According to Brooks’s analysis (which unfortunately I’ll have to rely on because I seem to have misplaced my well-annotated copy of The Lonely Crowd), the “other-directed” type is the sad product of the modern economy:

The other-directed personality type emerges in a service or information age economy. In this sort of economy, most workers are not working with physical things; they are manipulating people. The other-directed person becomes adept at pleasing others, at selling him or herself.

The other-directed person is attuned to what other people want him to be. The other-directed person is a pliable member of a team and yearns for acceptance. He or she is less notable for having a rigid character than for having a smooth personality.

Sadly, our armchair Lacan (I can name-drop, too, Brooks!) lacks the courage of his convictions, and waivers on his analysis: Brooks doesn’t know Mittensus, really, but he certainly does seem like an “other-directed,” gladhanding android.

This tendency to seem like a shallow automaton works against poor Mittensus because according to Brooks, this is a bad time to be seen as “other-directed” (though that particular character type is an inevitable product of our modern paradigm). We’re at a crisis moment in America, dammit—the people want values! Is this the nation that defeated communism? Hell yes it is! Thus, the American people want a gunslinging cowboy that they can drink beer with and have homoerotic fantasies about! There’s nothing erotic about an android wearing Hermes.

Brooks claims that this desire for certainty and uprightness of character is particularly strong for Republicans—they prefer their homoerotic fantasies to involve airport bathrooms and vacations with rent-boys; Republicans prefer their gay sex with layers of secrecy and a clearly demarcated power dynamic. They also prefer a candidate who has unshakeable convictions; a candidate willing to make the hard choices and govern with a giant phallus of doom. Having noted the deepest desires of Republicans, Brooks offers some advice for Mittensus:

If Romney is to thrive, he really needs to go on an integrity tour. He needs to show how his outer pronouncements flow directly from his inner core. He needs to trust that voters will take him as he really is. He needs to tell his own complicated individual story and stop reducing himself to the outsider/businessman advertising cliché. He needs to tell us what about his character is more fundamental than his national park patriotism and his skill at corporate restructuring.

Brooks also thinks that Mittensus needs to stop with all the Goddamn used-car salesman flip-flopping platitudes. If he’s going to govern, he’s got to be willing to send a few grannies to their deaths, and moreover, tell those bitches he’s doing it while he eats a slice of pie.

For Brooks, the granny-killing type is exemplified by Santorum; with or without media attention, Santorum would still want to kill your grandmother and shove your gay cousin back in the closet. If only Mittensus would learn that crazy, categorical bullshit wins the day, he too could be president.

*I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that David Brooks does not know what the fuck he’s talking about with regard to Victorian morality. In fact, there was no such thing; what we regard as Victorian “morality,” was largely a construct fabricated confluence of particular social and cultural factors, as well as later interpreters. Victorian “morality” does not exist; it is a fiction dreamed up by Sigmund Freud and perpetuated by conservative scholars. Stick with the Enlightenment, Brooks.

Prominent Batman Villain Supports Santorum

That’s right, folks, it looks like Mr. Freeze has lent his support to Rick Santorum.

I’m sorry, I read that wrong. Santorum is getting financial and moral support from Foster Friess, who is not a Batman villain, but instead just a rich white guy. So, more of a Superman villain. Ha!

But who is this Foster Friess character, and why the hell does he support Rick Santorum now when four years ago he was over the moon for Mittensus?

Mr. Friess, 71, said that he liked Mr. Santorum for his faith, but that he also believed he was the best candidate to compete with President Obama, whom he blamed for excessive government. He said he came to know Mr. Santorum several years ago and particularly approved of his opposition to abortion rights and his hawkish foreign policy stance.

Friess is a very rich man, having made millions in the finance industry. His Super PAC, the “Red, White, and Blue Fund,” was a key player in Santorum’s sweep last on Tuesday, and Friess is basically the top donor.

But who cares about that? A more interesting question is prompted by my earlier case of mistaken identity: namely, what candidates might Batman’s rogues support? It’s doubtful any of them would be able to vote, considering their various felonies and incarcerations, but perhaps they could contribute to a campaign! Here’s how I see it:

The Penguin: Romney

Rich guys usually love rich guys, and these two rich guys seem like they’d get along pretty well. They’re both weird, and Romney looks like the kind of guy who secretly loves birds.

The Joker: Ron Paul

Let’s face it, a Ron Paul presidency is the closest we’d get to an anarchistic nihilist’s paradise.

The Riddler: Rick Santorum

He clearly loves a mystery, and it is most definitely a mystery that this guy remains a viable candidate.

Catwoman: Ron Paul

With a promised reduction in public services (including police), and a political ideology that supports a general panic to purchase gold and store it in your home, who the hell else would a cat burglar support?

Mr. Freeze: Romney

Fries seems like he prefers a pragmatic middle ground, what with his reasoned arch-villainy.

The Scarecrow: Ron Paul

The Scarecrow seems like a Ron Paul supporter simply because the thought of a Ron Paul presidency strikes terror deep into the heart of the sane.

Any other suggestions?

Breaking News: Santorum Collects in Colorado

This is breaking news, people (well, as breaking as the New York Times updates I get, anyway). Apparently Santorum just covered the Colorado caucus and emerged victorious; no doubt this will force Skynet to reconsider strategy.

Also, I’m going to bed, so feel free to do your own Goddamn research as to what this might mean for the future of the GOP.

Bonus alternate headline: Colorado Caucus is Deep into Santorum

Santorum Explodes All Over Minnesota’s Caucus

That’s right, folks, it looks like the Santorum Surge isn’t quite finished: Santorum exploded all over the Minnesota caucus, as well as the non-binding Missouri caucus (whatever that means; I don’t feel like looking at Wikipedia right now). He was also running ahead in Colorado, a state that Romney previously carried.

Thus, despite the efforts of Mittensus, it would appear Santorum is surging all over the place. What this means isn’t precisely clear; however, it’s possible Skynet will consider sending reinforcements. At the very least Santorum is proving a viable alternative to Newton “Fruit’n’Cake” Gingrich for second place; although with such a prominent showing, second place may give way to first as Mittensus is forced to acknowledge the power of Santorum.

Santorum’s message was clear:

“I don’t stand here to claim to be the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney,” Mr. Santorum said after thanking God for getting him through the “dog days” of the campaign and the illness of his daughter Bella. “I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama.”

Yes, despite Santorum’s daughter’s vampire pregnancy, he will remain a contender. He is determined to demonstrate that Mittensus and Obama are, in fact, the same Kenyan Muslim.

No doubt this news is greatly pleasing to Democrats, because Santorum is functionally retarded, stands no hope of winning the nomination or presidency, and as such he will continue to distract from the GOP’s only viable candidate, Gaius Julius Mittensus Caesar.

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