The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes Just Got a Bit Thicker

There’s an old joke that goes something like this: What’s the thinnest book in the world? The Book of Jewish Sports Heroes! Hilarious! Well, that book just got a little bit thicker.

The Robert Beren Academy boys basketball team, which recently earned a spot in the state semifinals, will be forced to forfeit their upcoming semifinal game because the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools refuses to reschedule the playing time, which happens to coincide with the Jewish Sabbath. The Head of School, Rabbi Harry Sinoff, has asked TAPPS to reschedule to earlier in the day, but TAPPS refused.

“There should be a really big reason that prevents a team that has worked hard and earned its position before you exclude them,” Sinoff said. “All sports have been improved by inclusion.”

The Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools, otherwise known as the Texas Association of Dickbags, claims the schedule cannot be shifted. Not surprisingly, the majority of schools in the dickbag association are Christian.

“We have certain things that we do, not necessarily based on religion, but when TAPPS was founded, there were no schools in it that celebrated their Sabbath on anything but on Sunday,” said TAPPS Executive Director Edd Burleson.

Burleson also noted that Robert Beren Academy knew the rules going in, and joined anyway so that their team would have opponents to play against.

Perhaps most irritating (and unsurprising), is that accommodations have been made in the past: according to Rabbi Sinoff, a Seventh-Day Adventist team was allowed to reschedule a tournament game that would have taken place on Saturday.

Sadly, this means that Robert Beren Academy’s team will forfeit, and Kerville Our Lady of the Hills Catholic School, the opponent that they crushed to reach the semifinals, will play instead. Yeah, it certainly is tough to be a Christian in America.

I hope that Kerville gets scored on more times than Mary in a manger. Mazel tov, bitches!

This Kid’s a Real Turkey

Sadly, professional bowling gets little respect. Probably because it’s one of the few sports that allows you to enjoy a nacho platter while participating. It is, as Mary Pilon notes in her Times article, the “corner of the sports landscape where gray-haired and balding athletes can thrive.” But 14 year-old Kamron Doyle is going to change that.

Sipping a blue sports drink and eating a Milky Way candy bar for breakfast Friday morning, Doyle, a 5-foot-5, 105-pound eighth grader, prepared for the next round of the United States Open, an event with nearly 400 competitors and a top prize of $60,000. In advancing this far he had already become the youngest bowler to reach the prize-money level in a Professional Bowlers Association national tour event.

Kamron began bowling at the age of six after attending a friend’s birthday party; something about the sport really called to him, and he began practicing and watching videos of champion bowlers on YouTube:

“I can’t really remember why I liked it so much at first,” he said. “I just remember watching some of those guys on TV and thinking I should do it, too.”

Here’s my theory, Kamron: bowling is awesome. Who the hell wouldn’t want to bowl professionally? Communists, maybe. But because Kamron is not a member of the Professional Bowler’s Association, he is not technically a professional bowler; thus, he is not eligible to compete as a professional in tournaments. Yet the governing body for bowling does allow amateurs under the age of 18 to compete for scholarship prize money, and Kamron’s already racked up nearly $20,000.

So get off your asses, parents, and take your kids bowling. And then, when you’re at the bowling alley, enjoy a nacho platter and a beer. Do they sell beer at high school basketball games? I think not. It’s time to rethink our notion of “prestige sports.”

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