Buy One Handgun, Get One Free

Virginia’s state senate recently passed a bill that would eliminate the current regulation on handgun sales, and the governor is expected to sign; currently, Virginians are allowed one handgun purchase per month.

The law was originally introduced to prevent smuggling; reportedly, the smuggler’s lobby is very pleased with this legislation. A man wishing to identified as “Han Solo” had this to say:

“I could not be more pleased with the people of Virginia right now. It’s felt like 20 parsecs since I was able to procure crates of handguns for the rebels. As soon as the Governor signs that bill I’ll be back to the Kessel Run. I just hope that Emperor Muslimtine doesn’t try to nix this whole thing.”

Solo also mentioned something about “spice,” which I presume is a narcotic of some sort; from the way he was sniffing I doubt he was talking about cinnamon.

These Are Not the Apologies You’re Looking For…

George Lucas, triple-chinned tauntaun fucker and fan-hater extraordinaire has claimed that Star Wars fans are just confused about the Han/Greedo scene in Episode IV:

The controversy over who shot first, Greedo or Han Solo, in Episode IV, what I did was try to clean up the confusion, but obviously it upset people because they wanted Solo [who seemed to be the one who shot first in the original] to be a cold-blooded killer, but he actually isn’t. It had been done in all close-ups and it was confusing about who did what to whom. I put a little wider shot in there that made it clear that Greedo is the one who shot first, but everyone wanted to think that Han shot first, because they wanted to think that he actually just gunned him down.

That’s right, fans, you can suck it: Greedo shot first, and Han Solo has always had a heart of fucking gold.

Fans often criticize the revised version of this scene because it fundamentally alters the character development of Han Solo; I tend to agree with that assessment. Also, it makes him look a bit like a lucky tool, which he is clearly not.

Sadly, it’s not particularly surprising to find Lucas revising history; after all, revisionism is one of his favorite pastimes (right behind piss-poor storytelling and mediocre filmmaking). But do you know what is not among his favorite pastimes?

Apologizing to the legions of fans who made his career or remotely acknowledging their concerns.

Because who gives a shit about them? George Lucas is a fucking artist.

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