The Bristol Club: Don’t You Forget About Me

In an effort to maintain her now expired 15 minutes, Bristol Palin will star in a reality television series on Lifetime later this year. If you’re curious as to what qualifies Bristol to discuss reality (or represent it), you are not alone, my friend!

Apparently, the show, entitled “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” will focus on Bristol’s attempts to raise a child that we all know will turn out to be a maladjusted famewhore. Just like the rest of the people who grew up in Alaska.

I kid, I kid.

It’s interesting, however, to note that Bristol has found some sort of media activity each year to keep her star from tarnishing; 2012 will see a reality show, last year saw a memoir, and the year before that she danced with the stars. What possibilities await us in 2013? Here are my predictions.

  • Abstinence-only sex tape
  • Boone’s Farm endorsement deal
  • Methamphetamine scandal
  • Celebrity marriage to Lindsay Lohan (now legal in seven states!)
  • MTV “Journalism” job
  • Waiting tables at the Mat-Su Resort
  • Appearance on “Hell’s Kitchen”
  • A starring role as Titania in the Valley Performing Arts production of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
  • A substitute teaching gig at Wasilla High School that will provide the basis for an action thriller starring John Cena, Chris Benoit, Jason Statham, and various retired porn actresses
  • Another reality series, this one based on her entrance into politics.  Look out, Parnell–Bristol’s coming for your seemingly endless governorship!
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In Russia, Television Watches You!

Perhaps you thought that you could escape from reality television, bad sitcoms and crime procedurals, or even news that seems to strongly echo the views of a particular political party. Well, maybe you can, but Russia is certainly not the place you’ll escape to:

Television over the last 10 years has mirrored the country’s economic recovery. State-controlled news deliberately spread Mr. Putin’s message of stability and prosperity at any cost. Entertainment subliminally echoed it.

The bumblers, charlatans, strivers and jesters who populate the television landscape have been reassuring evidence, to a nation still fighting the ghosts of Communism and humiliation, that Russians live in a modern, and normal, country.

Apparently, bad television is a signifier of modernity, normalcy, and national solidarity.

President Putin is no small part of this odd evolution; state-controlled media spreads his good word throughout the land, and his television appearances reassure the public that they’re dealing with a straight-shooting, no bullshit kind of president. I don’t know about you, but that sounds completely foreign to me: a president appearing on television to convince us that he’s just the kind of guy we’d want to have a beer with? Yeah, right!

But dissent is in the air, as some emboldened shows are openly criticizing some of Mr. Putin’s policies. Naturally, his response is to send messages to the small towns of Russia that his opposition is the cultural elite, who live in cities and eat foie gras and read poetry for fun. As if painting your opposition as an out of touch elitist would work!

Regardless, Russian TV, which did not have the simmering period that American television had, seems to have sprung from the pot without the coherence of ingredients that a long period of trial and error seems to bring to television; thus, odd game shows, bad reality shows, and lame comedies are the result.

Wait, that sounds exactly like American television. Nevermind.

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